SELF SABOTAGE

A GAME OF MENTAL TUG OF WAR

We sabotage our potential in many ways.   

Maybe your inner voice speaks messages like “you can’t do this” or “this can’t be happening.” You May feel stuck. You start second guessing yourself which steadily erodes all of your energy and enthusiasm. Sabotage!

Psychologists call this second guessing the 'Upper Limit Problem'. It shows up when we have reached a place that feels good, victorious and happy; it would seem that we don’t know how to hold onto those good feelings. It appears to be that these powerful feelings move us out of our comfort zone and our own unbelief shocks us back to what is recognisable and ordinary. It just seemed too good to be true.

Why do we act like this?

So often there are emotional traumatic triggers that transform wisdom and sense into flights of panic.

According to Jonathan Fields author of ‘Uncertainty’, you kill the dream when you kill the butterflies. If you didn’t have butterflies in your tummy when doing something you have never done before, you could never fulfil your dream!

So where does this fear come from?

Answer: In our response to those butterflies.                                                                            

The response can be self-sabotaging when it generates problems and interferes with long-standing goals.

The real danger of self-sabotage is that it’s often subconscious. The actions are so rational and natural to the person engaging in them and they are oblivious to them. There is a complete unawareness of the outcome of such a response.

The expression “you are your own worst enemy” rings true for most of us. How many times have we acted against our self-interest then asked ourselves why? 

Why did we say that to a loved one? Why have we stopped doing that one thing that makes us feel great? Self sabotaging thoughts and behaviours are maintained by an inner critic we all posses, known as the “critical inner voice.” 

~ Robert Firestone,

He states that our critical inner voice is formed from our early life experiences. Without recognising it, we are apt to internalise feelings that were directed toward us by parents or influential caretakers during our developmental years e.g. if our parent saw us as lazy, we may grow up feeling useless or ineffective. We may then engage in self sabotaging thoughts that tell us not to try.

 “Why bother? You’ll never succeed anyway. You just don’t have the energy to get anything done”.

 Bring out the Anti-Sabotage unit.

If you feel yourself stumbling, even though everything appears to be going well……..

List the PROS and CONS. 

Over 3 days write out all the pros and all the cons you can come up with regarding your circumstances.  Read through both lists and be on the lookout for patterns of thought that may be self sabotaging.

Put a star next to the most important points, rewrite both lists. Wait 24 hours and then make you final decision.

Enough light for the next step. 

People often believe that difficult circumstances that have been in their lives for years, will forever block them from moving forward; there seems no way out. Yet as they have taken small steps to ponder the outcomes, the circumstances they had long seen as hopeless start to seem hopeful.

You can do things differently.

 

 

References:
Fields, J: Uncertainty.2011

Firestone, R: Combating Destructive Thought processes. 1997

 

ALONE AGAIN (NATURALLY)

Seasons of aloneness are natural.

Those who live alone or feel alone, experience loneliness more intensely during the holiday season. 

Everyone seems so busy, seems to have a partner and seems oblivious to your pain.  You want to be happy for them all but there is a emptiness. Let’s explore these lonely feelings that just kind of sneak up on us. We need to get into the right mindset now, so we are not taken unawares.

1.     Loneliness is not synonymous with being alone, nor does being with others protect us from feelings of loneliness.
Who of you have felt lonely in a crowd or even in a marriage?

2.     Loneliness, according to many experts, is not necessarily about being alone. Instead, it is the perception of being alone and isolated that matters most. That is why it is more difficult during the holiday season as we look to the past forgetting to live in peace in the present. 

3.     Learning to be alone with oneself is an art. If you feel you must have people around all the time, this need may be controlling you.
Solitude is essential. Loneliness is equal to unwilling solitude.

4.     The effects of loneliness and the fear of being alone can lead to anxiety, panic attacks, phobias, depression, suicide, drug addiction, alcohol addiction, and acute or chronic illness.

 "We are meant to be in relationships with other people, but just as surely, we are meant to partake of aloneness. To deny this part of our existence is a little like trying to walk the earth on one foot instead of two" - Florence Falk.

We can learn to be alone and content. Thinking about the messages you give yourself while you are alone, is a worthwhile project. Are you calling yourself a loser or are you telling yourself this is a special gift of love for you? How we view it, is what makes us feel good or bad about ourselves.

People don’t like to talk about being alone. We avoid the conversation as if aloneness was vaguely shameful and with any luck a temporary state of affairs before we can be absorbed into relationships again.

Rather than applaud other people for their ability to be alone, we feel sorry for them. We assure them that, sooner or later, relationships will come. It is time for us to be counter-cultural and enjoy our own company; there is nothing more freeing and empowering.

The inner portrait of each person and their own creative spark and aliveness is often found in solitude

 ~ K Mc Bride PhD

 

 

Try this plan of action for this holiday season:

1.     Create new traditions. Trying to get through old traditions is extremely painful.

2.     Decline invitations that make you uncomfortable. It’s okay to say ‘No”.

3.     If there’s a chance you’ll have fun, go to the party. You deserve fun!

4.     Relish your singlehood. Rely on other single friends for activity ideas.

5.     Decide how you’ll answer tough questions at gatherings. Write them down and keep them with you as a reminder.

6.     Take the money you would’ve used on a gift for a partner and pamper yourself; you’re worth it. We don’t think of this but on Christmas day have that special something to open; spray on that new cologne or put on those new shoes and feel great!

7.     If you feel ready; try to become involved in a community project.

May the God of all peace be with you throughout the holidays.

 

A SENSE OF HOME

Our earliest psychological memories and earliest expression of who we are, hinges on a sense of home.  Home means safety and security. 

Security is both feeling and reality, in reality you can be safe at home but you may not feel safe at home.  

The psychology of security is intimately tied to how we think, both intellectually and emotionally.

Security is always a trade-off. ~ Bruce Schneier

He writes that he remembers in the weeks after 9/11 a reporter asked, "How can we prevent this from ever happening again? That's easy," I said, "simply ground all the aircraft." 

Of course, that is ludicrous in the world we live in, so a trade off was necessary. 

Due to factors beyond our control, have we experienced a trade off? Emotionally are we staying in an unsafe environment or a violent environment for fear of losses, maybe the fear of losing our children?  Have we become numb to the risks that surround us? Are we making a bad security trade off?

Why else would women place their health in danger by staying with a man who is sleeping around? They place other priorities above their own safety, this is a bad security trade-off.

For many of us to thrive and grow we must feel safe. Therefore, for those who have been the victims of violence and abuse this is all the more important to understand.

Psychological safety is fundamental to our growth.

What are common threats to psychological safety? 

Sarcasm, lecturing, put-downs, outbursts, public humiliation, negative tone of voice or body language, inconsistency, unfairness, rigidity, favouritism, endless rules and regulations; infantilizing treatment, blaming and shaming. 

We are all vulnerable to these kinds of behaviours from others.  People who have been psychologically unsafe while growing up are particularly vulnerable to being greatly re-injured by psychological torments, and to adopting behaviours that have been inflicted upon them in the past. These common threats so often lead to other damaging behaviour such as violence, adultery and even rape.

How do you feel as you near home after a day at work or school?  Is there fear and dread or is there a sigh of relief; a sense of safety and security?

 Website: www.lifeline.org.za

Read more: http://www.southafrica.info/services/crisishelp.htm#ixzz2kXaXHxkt

References:http://www.sanctuaryweb.com/safety.php

Schneier, B. The Psychology of Security, 2008

CHARACTER COUNTS

  

We have begun to enviously celebrate the character flaws of our so called heroes. More sadly we emulate their achievements. We seem to hope that by acting like these idols, we too can be rich, powerful and famous just like them.

Think of that person you so admire, the one whose lifestyle awakens your envious longings and consider whether these characteristics occur frequently in their life? 

1. Arrogance –

Confidence oozes from every pore, actually if you take a closer look it is arrogance! He no longer listens to others, what he says goes and blow the rest.  People around him stop telling him the truth because they don't want to get shut down. Let’s pray he is as good as he thinks he is because he really is on his own!

2. Ladder-climbing –

He is never satisfied. And while it's healthy to want to do your best, his discontent and sleeplessness makes him tired and joyless as he compares himself to everyone else. No matter how much he has, it will never be enough! Eventually he will have a tough time getting others to join his grand crusade once he hits the top. They will know that he only cares about himself and the daggers will be out.

3. Perfectionism –

We all want to excel but he really believes he is a perfectionist. Even the most basic task becomes a major stressor. People around him start to cover up and avoid taking risks because they are afraid of his persistent criticism. Creativity will die and the organization will slow down as team members second guess their work.

4. Calculation –

You get the feeling that you’re in a game of shadows, a corporate episode of Survivor. You feel like you’re always trying to guess what angle he's playing (Ted Harro). He is a user and an abuser and the fear of hearing those words, “the tribe has spoken” are constantly with each employee. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes he is so charming.......but it always has a price tag attached.

5. Entitlement –

“Everyone, tighten your belts, it is time to consolidate.” But, of course, that does not go for him.  He is quite happy to continue travelling around the world and will purchase that new car. I guess he believed all of those people who told him he was special his whole life.

6. Ruthlessness –

He seems to be decisive and firm but he always comes first therefore others are disposable.  He is a proverbial jerk.  He does not care if he impacts your family life, if he needs you he will demand your time! You really get the feeling that he indulges in the thrill of intimidating others. This is power to him!

Okay...now do we really want to emulate the idol/hero?  Research has identified that these characteristics are on the increase.  Don’t be a casualty!

 

All looks bright and shiny on the outside but behind the scenes he has left a path of destruction...look closely, the diamond is flawed.

“Character is like a tree and reputation its shadow. The shadow is what we think it is and the tree is the real thing.”

- Abraham Lincoln

References:

Haro, T: Six Celebrated Flaws, Huffington Post

Simon, George K: Character Disturbance: the phenomenon of our age, 2011

DESIRES, EXPECTATIONS AND NEEDS

It is important to investigate and explore the differences between our Desires, Expectations and Needs in order to gain understanding re their differences in our lives.

                                    I. Desires
A desire is a want or preference about something you would like to have or receive. What are you longing for in your relationship? What are you longing for personally? What direction are your desires taking you?

We all sit with unfulfilled desires therefore it is extremely important that we share our desires in relationships with others as we grow and move in new directions.

We are made for relationship and they can bring such joy, fun, happiness and contentment if we are wise.
 

II. Expectations

Expectations are hopes and beliefs that are focused on the future, and may or may not be realistic. Expectations are not always = to reality. So a Reality Check is crucial to avoid disappointment.





H - Have
O - only
P - positive
E - expectations

Here below are ‘Eight Expectations for Living’ that will always align with reality. Educators helping students achieve excellence, guide them in adhering to the following expectations:

We will value one another as unique and special individuals.

We will not laugh at or make fun of a person's mistakes nor use sarcasm or putdowns.

We will use good manners, saying "please," "thank you," and "excuse me" and allow others to go first.

We will cheer each other to success. 

We will help one another whenever possible.

We will recognize every effort and applaud it.

We will encourage each other to do our best.

We will practice virtuous living.

www.greatexpectations.org

We can all move forward in relationships with these 8 positives!

                                III. Needs
A need is something that is necessary for healthy relating and living. Do you know what is essential for you to have a healthy relationship (i.e. fidelity, kindness, lack of drug or alcohol addiction, etc.)? What are your deal breakers or non-negotiables?




We all need:
A. To be heard
B. To be valued
C. To be understood
D. To be safe

An unmet need can lead to despair and entrapment, be careful to whom you entrust yourself.

Reality Check
- we must acknowledge that no one is perfect.

- what are we longing for?
- what do we need and what are deal breakers.

Our relationships should run more smoothly if we take these things into consideration.