THE NARCISSIST: FROM THE INSIDE OUT

What is really going on Inside the Narcissist?

Our goal is to discover compassion without buying into the behaviour or playing a role in the Production that the Narcissist is directing. 

The Greek Legend of Narcissus tells us how Narcissus was once walking by a lake and decided to drink some water; he saw his reflection in the water and was surprised by the beauty he saw; he became entranced by the reflection of himself. He could not obtain the object of his desire though, and he died at the banks of the lake from his sorrow.

So many of us have come to believe that Narcissists love themselves but this is not so. Narcissists love the “reflection” of themselves. A reflection they create in order to cover up the reality of their inner self who, in their eyes, is defective, malfunctioning, small and insecure. They feel deeply fractured inside.

What brings about this insecurity? 

Research shows that narcissism is birthed primarily through modelling. Many a Narcissist is created by a parent living their dreams and their life through their child, promoting the child socially without warmth and nurturing.  

The focus is to advance this child to a place of glory but it is done without the necessary character-building lessons all children need. In many cases Narcissists grow up in families which are fraught with secrecy and ‘skeletons in the closet’.

Narcissists are therefore strong in ‘Impression Management’; the reflection they mirror is a contradiction and a dilemma to all who come into contact with them. Their behaviour defies logic. 

Narcissists learn how to use others to feel better about themselves. They cannot “be there” for anyone, even their most cherished partner, of whom they so often say they "adore", as they fear their own vulnerability. They are prolific liars as there is trepidation of being found out as a fraud.

 

 

They boast (subtly or not so subtly), they are charming and generous but all these behaviours hide an individual with Machiavellian tendencies, one who truly believes that one must “never tell anyone the real reason you did something unless it is useful to do so." 

Narcissists with high Machiavellianism have shown that they are not only high achievers but will achieve at the expense of others with no hesitation or remorse. They will do everything in their power not to express directly what they feel.  They generalise, compare, justify, analyse etc. anything but show emotion.  Narcissists abuse people, they mislead people into believing that they mean something to them, it is all a sham and a charade. ~Sam Vaknin

How do we stop ourselves from being sucked into their 'play' and if we already have a role, what action can be taken? 

We are looking at Narcissism through a compassionate lens but the terms of engagement with a Narcissist need to be direct and focused.

 

Dr George K.Simon gives us hope in respectful engagement:

1. Accept no excuses....the rationale for the behaviour is totally irrelevant

2. Judge actions – not intentions.... never try to mind-read or second guess the action

3. Set personal limits....what behaviour you will tolerate and what action you will take to protect yourself

4. Make Direct requests....avoid generalities, give no room for distortion

5. Accept only Direct responses....respectfully ask until you receive this

6. Stay focused in the ‘here and now’....don’t be thrown off track by diversionary tactics, don’t bring up the past

7. Keep the weight of responsibility on the Narcissist....what will they do to correct their behaviour?

8. Avoid Sarcasm, Hostility and Put-Downs....this is ‘war talk’ to the Narcissist

9. Avoid making threats....just take action

10. Take Action quickly....at the first sign of intolerable behaviour

11. Speak for yourself....on a one-to-one-basis, don’t bring in  behaviour towards others

12. Make reasonable agreements....keep your end of the bargain

13. Be prepared for consequences....they will try to regain the upper hand and a sense of vindication

14. Be honest with yourself....know what you can deal with

This 'Action List' has been my saving grace and I pray that it becomes yours. Take these steps in a loving and respectful way and have a certain hope that the relationship will change, the Narcissist may never change but you can as you find stability and learn the skills to move forward.

Scott Peck states in ‘The Road less Traveled’ that loving is not a feeling, an art or a state of mind, but a behaviour to which the two Great Commandments exhort us to commit ourselves.

Loving God and loving others as ourselves.