"I have just escaped the clutches of a narcissist, I am broken-hearted, lonely and have no idea where to begin in building back the person I was once was. My hopes, my dreams are shattered. What now?"- Dierdre {broken-hearted}
Dear Myrtle {recovery and establishment of God’s promises}
While many experts focus on the narcissist, I prefer to focus on you and the lessons you need to learn so that you can let go, move on and hopefully never repeat the experience. Before you can move on, the most important thing to understand about narcissists is that underneath their apparent self-confidence is a profound lack of self-esteem.
Narcissists do not think well of themselves, and to make themselves feel better, they choose partners who doubt themselves and their capabilities.
If you had strong self-esteem and confidence in yourself, you would not be chosen by a narcissist as a possible partner. This is because narcissists like to control and feel superior. People with healthy self-confidence who make the mistake of entering a relationship with a narcissist quickly become aware of the emotional abuse and cut the relationship short. They recognize that there is something out of balance and that it’s easier to move on. Most importantly, they refuse to take the blame. Instead, knowing they are unhappy, they focus on themselves and deal confidently and quickly with a relationship that has no value.
Stop Judging Yourself
When you doubt yourself and lack confidence, you become the perfect target for a narcissist. Narcissists are appealing at first.
They give the impression of strength and confidence. Their goal is to charm you and make you think it is all about you. If you weren’t blinded by the attention and weren’t questioning your own self-worth, you would realize a lot sooner that your date is interested in you only because you appear weak and less worthy. Of course, if you had known this in advance, you would not have entered the relationship.
To avoid entering another relationship based on your self-doubt, ask yourself: How can I take care of myself better? How can I avoid sending out signals that I need help or a savior, or lots of attention? Nip it in the bud by believing in God’s love and who you are in Him.
{Some narcissistic traits, when used appropriately with personal boundaries, make for exceptional people. Ambition, motivation, even arrogance and desire for power, are good attributes when balanced with humility and not used at the expense of others. Wanting to feel powerful is a positive desire. Needing to feel powerful by putting others down is unhealthy.}
The First Clue
Was there a time at the beginning of the relationship when you asked yourself, “How is it possible that such a great person is choosing me?” That was a good clue. Your lack of confidence was the reason you attracted a narcissist.
If you are overcoming dating a narcissist, remember this: You are a solid, genuine person and probably more successful than you allow yourself to believe. Narcissists are picky. They don’t date just anyone. They look for successful, accomplished people who are kind enough to let the narcissist’s self-created superiority overshadow them. If you have allowed a narcissist to prey on your lack of self-confidence, stop! No more downplaying who you truly are. It’s time to rise to the top. The lesson here is that you are much better than you think you are. Embrace the truth and move on!
The Mirror Theory
If you have attracted a narcissist into your life, you may want to ask yourself how you are acting? How are you neglecting yourself? How are you putting yourself down? In your own nice way, do you feel that you are better than others? Do you subconsciously put others down when you are feeling insecure about yourself? Not all the narcissistic traits may be mirrored in you.
Good questions to ask yourself :“What traits are the biggest problem for me, and how do I do that to myself?”
This idea is a lot to absorb. It is what you need to shift from being a victim to owning your own journey. People who have dated a narcissist and have the guts to move on are bruised emotionally. They often collapse into being a victim.
They are hurt, they feel even less confident of themselves and that can lead to blaming themselves for staying in the relationship too long. They can become abusive toward themselves and actually perpetuate in themselves the narcissistic tendencies they had the courage to leave.
Moving on After a relationship with a Narcissist
Be a victim no more! The relationship has ended. Embrace that truth. You want to move forward, with no more abuse.
Rise to the top – your top — by consciously shifting from putting yourself down to showing deep empathy for yourself. Love yourself and love other. Rebuild your self-confidence by taking an objective inventory of who you are. No cheating! No counting yourself short!
Promise yourself that from now on, you will be your own leader. You will believe in yourself and your achievements and will shower yourself with empathy. Yes, empathy, the quality totally missing from a narcissist, may just be the perfect antidote to dating one.
Written by Monica Magnetti from Luna Coaching
Be kind to yourself and heal well! There is life after "the Narcissist"!
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