This last week I have been asked to prepare some teaching on anger. Again I realized just how sneaky this feeling is. It lingers just under the surface simmering away, then jumps out at you when you least expect it.
I have difficult relationships in my life that ‘keep me on my toes’ when it comes to anger management. We often believe, "okay I'm over that"...and then that sneaky little anger bubble rises again!
We have many misconceptions regarding anger, many are absorbed from family and society:
-Parents or Grandparents who have raised us
-Teachers
-Pastors or ministers of our Faith
Here are a few:
1. Anger is bad -- No, all humans get angry, anger is a feeling ...it is not good or bad.
2. Good people don't get angry -- No, a person that does not know how to be angry, does not know how to be good. (Henry Beecher)
3. Anger always means you yell and throw things!-- No, my response to feeling anger can either be positive or negative.
4. If I get angry, it's always better to pretend I'm not. -- No, it is better to express how I am feeling and then move on.
5. I will be angry until the other person changes. -- No, all people are different, they will not always measure up to my standards.
6. I have a right to my angry display when someone does something I don't like. --No, I do not have the right to harm myself or anyone else.
Our anger functions a lot like a pressure cooker. The pot is filled with painful emotions. These emotions landed in the pot because we shoved them in there in an attempt not to be hurt, not to feel the pain.
Those feelings will build up and build up until WHOOSH! they burst out and do we let off steam! The steam is anger expressed badly: either Passive Aggressively or Aggressively. Pressure is relieved for a time but will start building again if we do not find a way to deal with these feelings in a healthy way. Each feeling should be dealt with before they build up to an explosive level.
What is Passive Aggressive Anger?
A sign of distress.
It is commonly a symptom of a chemically dependent family background i.e. Those who have lived with alcoholism or drug abuse or even within a violent home. Fear prevents the venting of anger therefore the anger turns inwards.
It is not openly aggressive as the person is not comfortable with aggression. They still want their way but want everyone to still like them or they fear a violent reaction. They pretend that all is well when in fact it isn't. It is never constructive.
Symptoms of Passive Aggressive Anger
1. Control...they stop talking to people, sulk and create tension.
2. Blaming...they act out as the victim, they ask, "why me?" And whine, "it's not fair!"
3. Urgency...there is an urgency to make something happen. I have a goal, a need! And I will reach it!
4. Refuse to feel for anyone else...They ignore and deny everyone else's feelings. It's all about me!
What is Aggressive Anger?
At it's worst a Cycle of Violence becomes a lifestyle:
Remorse/regret -> Honeymoon -> Escalation/ Tension Build -> Explosion
So how should we express our Anger?
The objective is to focus on the specific incident in a controlled manner, looking for a solution.
Positive expression may be a process.
Sometimes the breaking of trust is so immense that it takes a long time to work through our feelings of anger but for our own healing, we must learn to express our anger positively so that we can move on without regret.
Our expression can be verbal or nonverbal. Sometimes we do not trust ourselves to verbally stay calm so it is best to have a good cry in order to release the anger before seeing the other person.
Writing out our feelings is also a good tool in bringing our angry feelings into some semblance of control. Physical exercise is also a great release. Dealing with our anger is a journey. Small incidents are easier to handle but when a massive trauma occurs, it takes all we have to harness our angry feelings and deal with the situation in a positive way.
Here are some helpful words in understanding the opposite of anger:
Self control
Self restraint
Peace
Patience
Letting go of controlling others
Love
Giving the benefit of the doubt
Cleaning, painting, chopping wood !
Keep journeying with me as we grapple with these difficulties in our lives:)
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