GIVERS OR GRABBERS

Our developmental journey includes the task of sharing. The purpose and direction of this lesson is the ability to functionally live in community with others - where giving and taking is a necessary social consideration.

Definitions:

Givers: those who realize that happiness comes through serving others; they do not only give money and gifts but time, energy and attention.

Grabbers: those whose life is dedicated to grasping. They search for something for nothing. They are self-absorbed and constantly talk of money, of themselves and are looking to gain advantage at every turn.

What makes one person a Taker while others give readily?

Psychologically it all boils down to how we interpret the ‘psychological strokes’ we receive for giving, are they positive or negative, conditional or unconditional ?

Definition of a Psychological Stroke: Strokes are the recognition, attention or responsiveness that one person gives another. Strokes can be positive (nicknamed "warm fuzzies") or negative ("cold pricklies").   www.crossroads.sandler.com

                                                               

There are also conditional and unconditional strokes:

A Conditional Stroke: is received for something you did. (Doing)

An Unconditional Stroke: is received for something you are. (Being)

As we know children model the adults around them; therefore giving and receiving becomes an important opportunity for teaching. If we have not been nurtured with unconditional positive regard, we may seek our ‘warm fuzzies’ more from what we do than who we are.  If we are lacking in positive unconditional strokes, our only access to positive regard will be positive conditional strokes.  We will ‘do’ rather than ‘be’. 

This gives rise to those who posture as Givers when in fact they are Grabbers.

When individuals posture as Givers, sometimes it takes a pretty good “detector” to tell the difference, but the telltale sign is always in the subtle emptiness of their relationship abilities. Grabbers give with wrong motive, the ultimate goal being for some kind of return. In giving, the reward may be to foster a certain image, or an overall feeling of indebtedness in you. This is a sad fact.
Mark Goulston: Psychology Today

Another sad psychological adage is that Grabbers often insist on seeing themselves as Givers and they will be the first to tell you so.  “In my thirty years of practice, I'd say this has been true about 80% of the time.”- Bill McDonald (McDonald & Kimball PLC)

Next we get the ‘Over-giver’; when the hunger for love has been betrayed, their Self is broken and poisoned and they give out of fear and anxiety in order to be found acceptable.

In recognising ourselves in any of these scenarios, we can turn the tables on this weakness:

A.   The Grabbers must stop and begin to realise their abuse of others. Only then can they begin the deeper work on self; growing toward becoming a ‘healthy Giver’.

B.   Over-givers must begin work deeply on self to become come healthy balanced Givers. 

How do we recognise a ‘true Giver’?   

Overwhelming willingness to give of their time, energy and attention.  

And while we are on the subject; be a Psychological Stroke Counter – make it a goal to increase the number of ‘warm fuzzies’ that you give to those around you.