‘DRAMATIC-ERRATIC’ PERSONALITY 2

Narcissists Psychologically Feed Off You!

Narcissists are parasitic. It seems almost unbelievable, doesn't it? Narcissists try taking what is most precious to us away from us with their cruelty, chronic deception, hidden agenda, humiliation and threats. They ambush us. 

The narcissist steals our creative ideas and spins them as their own. 

How many times have you stood and watched them take your glory! They gain power over you psychologically by hitting you below the belt on the issues where you are the most vulnerable. Although the narcissist has no true insight, they are exceedingly deceitful and knows just how to make you feel hopeless and helpless. 

Narcissists are bottom feeders. 

For those that have never dealt with a narcissist this seems really over-the-top but this has been the experience of many. 

They play dirty and catch you by surprise, using the shock factor. They initiate contact that appears to be friendly and innocuous. But they make sure that they communicate that they are superior to you and that you are a failure and there is something intrinsically wrong with you. 

When you catch on to their game, you may confront them, only to be told, they NEVER meant for you to feel this way, YOU must be mistaken!  

They spread lies about to your family and your friends, indicating your defective character; this lie will hurt you the most. 

This is despicable behaviour but narcissists are extremely convincing to others who remain ignorant of their true natures. 

The hurt is real: " Surely others can see through them?”

Study and learn to identify the narcissistic personality. It is worth doing the research on this character disorder. Our society seems set to produce a crop of such personalities. 

Once you have made the identification, spend as little time with them as possible. If you have to interact, make it brief and do not engage them in a personal manner.

There is a need to set and keep boundaries with these individuals. You can never please them; that is a fruitless effort. Remember, the narcissist is constantly projecting his unconscious rage on to others and deep down they feel psychologically empty and worthless.

Get in touch with your creative gifts and learn to appreciate yourself as a unique individual who is capable of empathy, compassion, emotional intimacy and authenticity.

Thank you, Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., for parts of this amazing post. 

I have only changed certain aspects to accommodate our South African understanding and culture. 

The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.

~ Proverbs 22:3

SHAME: MOVING OUT OF THE FOG

In journeying through this wilderness

what words will silence my enemy?

and bring peace

what words?

In returning and rest will be my salvation

In quietness and trust my strength (Isaiah 30:15)

Shame is not always what we have done but is also what has been done to us. Shame is that deep sense that we are unacceptable and disgraced. 

We hide behind frivolity, busyness and intellectual pursuit yet it lingers........... 

We are not talking about guilt but shame alone. That deep sense of secrecy that brings rage. 

Only in embracing truth and putting our shame into words will we find a way out. What lie have we believed to keep us in hiding; to make us drop our heads and lower our gaze?

This is the lesson I have learnt.

"I may not see this offense made right in my eyes, in my days but I entrust myself to God, fighting through my doubts and hesitations."

It's time to move out of the fog.

 XXxxxxx Margs

VICTIM TO VICTOR

You are so good at playing the Victim that you should walk around with your own body chalk! A joke but so true of some!

- Victims refuse to take responsibility, someone else must take care of things.

- Victims show only self-pity, everything else becomes an external influence.

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”

John W. Gardner

“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”

Richard Bach

How do we break out of a Victim Mentality? Hendrik Edberg gives us some pointers.

In victim mode, we feel sorry for ourselves; the world seems to be against us and we get stuck. Little to no action is taken and we get lost in a funk of sadness.

So how can we move out of that mindset? ........the answer: Awareness of what "being the victim" is all about!

1. There are benefits in being a Victim!

a) Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. 

b) You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk therefore there is no rejection and no failure.

c) You don't have to take responsibility. Taking responsibility for your own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it can become burdensome.

d) It makes you feel right. You are right in your own eyes and that can lead to pleasurable feelings. We all love to be RIGHT:)

We need to say, "NO" to these benefits and choose a different path; there will be a better outcome if we make a better choice and move forward.

2. New behaviour is needed and can be scary!

To break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life, or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them.

Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar.

3. The Responsibility is yours.

Instead of blaming someone else for the bad things that happen, take responsibility. Victim mentality damages relationships, ambitions and achievements.

Stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead  start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you.

4. Being grateful gives new perspective.

When I feel that I am putting myself in victim role I like to ask myself this question:

"Is there someone suffering more than me?"

We begin to understand that we have much to be grateful for in our lives.This question changes our perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps us to lighten up about our situation.

After we have changed our perspective we need to ask another question:

“What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?”

That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse.

5. Forgiveness brings freedom.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do” but forgiveness is necessary so that your attitude can change. Forgiveness is not forgetting and it is costly to you as you need to let go of feelings of revenge and unfairness.

Remember true reconciliation can only take place if the language of forgiveness is heard. Not just "I'm sorry" but "what I did was wrong, will you forgive me?"

6. Refocus, it's not all about me!

The way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. Help and serve someone else, it will remove the focus from "me" to "they" :)

Don't be a victim of your circumstances!

XXxxxx Margs

WRACKED WITH WORRY

Dear Anxiety, 

With you around, receiving a text message saying “Hey” with a full stop at the end gets me panicking that there is a bitter undertone I’m meant to decode. With you, one simple “Hey” isn’t a greeting; it’s a matter of life and death.- Alicia Gillman

With stress we know what's stressing us but this is not always true with anxiety. Anxiety comes with a sense of helplessness. 

- Linsey Holmes (Huffington Post)

We all worry. Whether it is a small problem or a psychological disorder, the steps to overcome faulty beliefs and develop healthy patterns of thinking are the same.

A = Activity, Event vs Intrusive Thought or Urge e.g. not a ‘What if ?’ but a plan of action.

B = Faulty Belief About the Intrusive Thought e.g. Jumping to conclusions

C = Emotional Consequences: Anxiety, Doubt and Worry e.g. Overthinking, Catastrophizing

D = Neutralizing Ritual vs Avoidance e.g. Calming ritual

~Bruce M. Hyman, Ph.D. and Cherry Pedrick, RN

WE ALL TALK TO OURSELVES 

No one is more influential in your life than you are because no one talks to you as much as you talk to yourself.

You need a "Time Out"! Sit down and write out the accusations and questions around the subject you are worrying about. Look at each one and acknowledge what is true and what is false/a lie. Accept what is true and discard what is not.

We need to re-attribute and refocus our thoughts onto what is pure and true.

Here are some probing questions from Paul Tripp:

Would you be comfortable with someone listening to a recording of your internal conversation?

What are some things you say to yourself that stimulates hope, faith and confidence?

What are some things you say to yourself that stimulates fear, anxiety and discouragement?

Remember this from someone who had reason to worry as Nazi soldiers searched her home, 

Corrie Ten Boom, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.”

LOGOTHERAPY - A SPIRITUAL RESPONSE

" We do not live our lives based on the bare facts of our existence; we live our lives according to our interpretation of those facts."

~Paul David Tripp 

Everyday we read of suffering in our world and I would like to explore the possibility that it is the Interpretation of that suffering that will lead to a response and eventually to a redemptive solution. 

Viktor Frankl's Existential Theory

Viktor Frankl's psychological theory is celebrated due to the fact that he personally experienced a Nazi concentration camp as a prisoner during the war. The suffering he experienced and saw, led him to his form of therapy, logotherapy.

Logotherapy asserts "a will to meaning." If we can find meaning in our suffering, healing is fast-tracked. Meaning is like laughter, Frankl says:  "You cannot force someone to laugh, you must tell him a joke!  Meaning is something to discover rather than to invent."  

So how do we find meaning? 

According to Frankl, there are three approaches:

1.   Through experiential values i.e. by experiencing something or someone we value e.g. Art, music, relationships. Self- sacrificial love being above all else.

2.   Through creative values, by “doing a deed" e.g. Helping others through projects or living your own life well.

3.   Through attitudinal values e.g. compassion, bravery, a good sense of humour etc.

BUT Frankl is most famous for his understanding of achieving meaning by way of suffering!! 

He believes that 'Suffering can be experienced with dignity if there is meaning in it' e.g. seriously ill people, if given an opportunity to suffer bravely, can thereby retain some dignity.  

How do we experience this?

Events in life lead to an ‘interpretation’ of that event which then leads to a response.

EVENT -> INTERPRETATION -> RESPONSE

An example from my own life:

Event : I was divorced after 25 years of marriage

Interpretation : I will never be happy again

Response: Hopelessness

OR

Event: I was divorced after 25 years of marriage

Interpretation: It was the worst thing to ever happen to me

Response: I want to help other women who have to deal with such an event (Creative Value)

Frankl is different to any other psychologist in that experiential, creative and attitudinal values are merely surface manifestations of something much more fundamental, which he calls supra-meaning.

  

Supra-meaning is the idea that there is ultimate meaning in life, meaning that is not dependent on others, on our projects or even on our dignity.  It is a reference to God and spiritual meaning. A Redemptive God.

My project to help other women really does impact and enable my healing, but I have found that there is ultimate meaning in my life; my God of my heart turned out to be my redemption.

We have a choice in our response to events in our lives, choose wisely.

Resource:

LOVE IS MORE THAN A MANY- SPLENDOURED THING

The time of the year has come again…we love it or we love to hate it! Valentine's Day has become so commercialised and so "in your face" for those who are not in a loving relationship. 

What is love?

My emphasis today is not on an "ooey, gooey, what we see on TV" kind of love. It is a search for that elusive love from the standpoint of "I've been hurt so much", how will I even recognise love when it comes along?"

Albert Einstein asked, "How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"

Why are we drawn to certain people and not others? What makes us fall in love and stay in love? Poets delve into the mystery of love with beautiful sonnets, musicians seek to capture its subtle essence in song and many others feel that their love is divinely inspired.

But at ground level here are some psychological facts to begin our research:

Men in love are extremely visual beasts.

The brains of men in love show greater activity in the visual cortex than women’s brains. Add this to the fact that men seem to be more visually stimulated than women in general.

Women in love remember the details.

The brains of women in love show greater activity in the hippocampus—a brain region associated with memory—than do men’s brains. Women remember everything.

(David DiSalvo)

How is that helpful in identifying love?

My hero in this field is Robert Sternberg.

Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love (2004) notes that the 3 components of love are Intimacy, Passion and Commitment. The relative emphasis of each component on love changes over time as an adult romantic relationship develops.

Intimacy – The friendship or specialness of the relationship.  The feelings of closeness, bondedness, connectedness, trust and friendship in the relationship.

Passion – The excitement or energy of the relationship.  The feelings of physical attraction, romance, and arousal (particularly sexual arousal) in the relationship.

Commitment – The “business aspect” of the relationship.  This includes all the shared investments or the “history,” of the relationship, such as decisions, experiences and adjustments.

From these 3 components we can pinpoint a combination of 8 types of love.

1. “Liking" ~ Intimacy Only (No Passion or Commitment) – Can be summed up as having intimacy with one another, feeling close  & trusting one another.

2. “Infatuated love" ~ Passion Only (No Intimacy or Commitment) – This tends to be a superficial relationship that is one-sided, where the couple are temporarily ga-ga over one another.  In Hollywood, this is known as a “whirlwind romance.”

3. “Empty Love” ~ Commitment Only (No Passion or Intimacy) – This is most often an older relationship where the passion and intimacy have died…like “falling out of love.”

4. “Romantic Love” ~ Intimacy & Passion (No Commitment) – This can be a blossoming relationship where the couple feel like best friends (“friends with benefits”).  As experiences grow with one another, this type of love may develop Commitment.

5. “Companionate Love” ~ Intimacy & Commitment (No Passion) – Again, this usually occurs in older relationships where the couple remain best friends, but no longer feel passion for one another. This type of love can still be very satisfying and long-lasting.

6. “Fatuous Love” ~ Passion & Commitment (No Intimacy) – This is a feeling of love because the couple wants to be in love…but they really have little in common.

7. “Non-Love” ~ All Sides Absent (No Passion, Intimacy or Commitment) – Basically, this type of relationship is of just an acquaintance.

8. “Complete or Consummate Love” ~ (All Sides Present) – The best of all types, the “ideal relationship,” that all couples would like to achieve.

(Dr David S Kantra)

Don't you just love this theory, it gives us space to work out just what we have in a love relationship and identify what we don't want!

Let's go out seeking love with our minds as well as our hearts so that we can make an exciting as well as a  "forever" choice.

Resource:

Sternberg, R. J. (1986) A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93, 119-135.

BURNT BUT NOT BITTER!

Every journey begins with a single step...

 “Bitterness feeds on the carcasses of festering memories.” - P.Michelson

No one wants to be bitter.  It sneaks up on us.  Bitterness is unforgiveness which has fermented over time. The more we hold onto past hurts, the more we become drunk on our pain, making poor choices and speaking badly of others. 

Bitterness will always chase away love in your heart and your life.  

While the original fault lies elsewhere, that person or persons may not change. You are responsible for your life and happiness now, and you need to let go of the bitterness.

Even if you feel you have grieved the losses that led to your bitterness:

1. Stop and spend some time grieving again.

2. Make a conscious effort to stop the ruminations and expressions of bitterness in your life. Don't give these thoughts the space.

3. Forgive. The therapeutic concept of forgiveness is to recognize injustice, then let go of the anger and resentment. This type of forgiveness will not affect the right/wrong elements of your issues. Forgive for your sake. We are the wire and God is the current.

According to St. Augustine, forgiveness is simply the act of surrendering our desire for revenge; that is, our desire to hurt someone for having hurt us.

4. Recognize  and develop an attitude of gratefulness. Our lives did not stop at the point of our hurt; we have life, now choose it!

Our past with certain people whether ex- spouses, estranged brothers, sisters or parents can create a core of pain inside which we wrestle with in the course of life. 

We will often react as we have always done and that is not always a good thing. The cycle needs to be broken and it is our recognition of our own bitterness that will stop it.

An old man once said, " My experience has shown me that I all too often tend to deny that which lies behind. But I still believe, that which is denied cannot be healed." 

I do not want these to be words I utter in old age. Let us look back and deal with our root of bitterness. 

Buechner said it best:

"I am inclined to believe that God's chief purpose in giving us memory is to enable us to go back in time so that if we didn't play those roles right the first time round, we can still have another go at it now. Memory makes it possible for us to both bless the past, even those parts of it that we have felt cursed by."

Joy is what happens when you let go of bitterness.

Burnt but not bitter.

Resources :

Popcak, G . Overcoming Bitterness, 2013

Phillips, B. Another Toxic Emotion : Bitterness. 2013