ABANDONED AND DISCARDED

A very worthwhile read! Narcissists Abandon Their Families and Re-Invent Themselves by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD Narcissistic men and women cannot sustain authentic relationships in marriages or as parents. They act out, having multiple affairs, mistresses, girlfriends, boyfriends, secretly on the side. They have no shame about their reprehensible, destructive behaviors. If they have power in the world and are venerated publicly as high level executives, part of the entertainment and social elite, they get away with it. These days, living in a narcissistic society, most people shrug about these matters. If someone is "very important" it doesn't matter what they do in their personal lives and some believe that they are above reproach because of their extraordinary success. The narcissistic man or woman has a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. There is no motivation to become different since the narcissist believes that he is perfect and every one else falls short. If the narcissist has a loyal professional and social following, a source of constant narcissistic supply, excuses will always be made for him/her despite the abominable behavior toward spouse and children. After causing horrific trauma to a wife or husband and children who have been abandoned, he moves on to re-invent himself and re-burnish his image. For the narcissist, there are no genuine relationships. One person is replaceable with another---one wife with another, one child or two children with others. Some narcissists go on to produce children with two three or even four other partners. It doesn't matter as long as he is getting the adulation, praise, adoration that he needs and maintaining the power and money that he holds on to and that defines him/her as a person. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so you don't get caught up in a partnership or marriage to one of these individuals. I hear many stories of those who have had children with narcissists and have gone through painful ongoing experiences, worked through divorces that were very stressful and complex. I give those who have weathered these storms great credit for their forbearance.   Remember to take good care of yourself. You are authentic. Seek those who are like you---authentic and compassionate. Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD | March 28, 2014 at 5:30 pm | URL: http://wp.me/p2XSAd-1n6 Comment    See all comments

‘DRAMATIC-ERRATIC’ PERSONALITY 2

Narcissists Psychologically Feed Off You!

Narcissists are parasitic. It seems almost unbelievable, doesn't it? Narcissists try taking what is most precious to us away from us with their cruelty, chronic deception, hidden agenda, humiliation and threats. They ambush us. 

The narcissist steals our creative ideas and spins them as their own. 

How many times have you stood and watched them take your glory! They gain power over you psychologically by hitting you below the belt on the issues where you are the most vulnerable. Although the narcissist has no true insight, they are exceedingly deceitful and knows just how to make you feel hopeless and helpless. 

Narcissists are bottom feeders. 

For those that have never dealt with a narcissist this seems really over-the-top but this has been the experience of many. 

They play dirty and catch you by surprise, using the shock factor. They initiate contact that appears to be friendly and innocuous. But they make sure that they communicate that they are superior to you and that you are a failure and there is something intrinsically wrong with you. 

When you catch on to their game, you may confront them, only to be told, they NEVER meant for you to feel this way, YOU must be mistaken!  

They spread lies about to your family and your friends, indicating your defective character; this lie will hurt you the most. 

This is despicable behaviour but narcissists are extremely convincing to others who remain ignorant of their true natures. 

The hurt is real: " Surely others can see through them?”

Study and learn to identify the narcissistic personality. It is worth doing the research on this character disorder. Our society seems set to produce a crop of such personalities. 

Once you have made the identification, spend as little time with them as possible. If you have to interact, make it brief and do not engage them in a personal manner.

There is a need to set and keep boundaries with these individuals. You can never please them; that is a fruitless effort. Remember, the narcissist is constantly projecting his unconscious rage on to others and deep down they feel psychologically empty and worthless.

Get in touch with your creative gifts and learn to appreciate yourself as a unique individual who is capable of empathy, compassion, emotional intimacy and authenticity.

Thank you, Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., for parts of this amazing post. 

I have only changed certain aspects to accommodate our South African understanding and culture. 

The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.

~ Proverbs 22:3

SHAME: MOVING OUT OF THE FOG

In journeying through this wilderness

what words will silence my enemy?

and bring peace

what words?

In returning and rest will be my salvation

In quietness and trust my strength (Isaiah 30:15)

Shame is not always what we have done but is also what has been done to us. Shame is that deep sense that we are unacceptable and disgraced. 

We hide behind frivolity, busyness and intellectual pursuit yet it lingers........... 

We are not talking about guilt but shame alone. That deep sense of secrecy that brings rage. 

Only in embracing truth and putting our shame into words will we find a way out. What lie have we believed to keep us in hiding; to make us drop our heads and lower our gaze?

This is the lesson I have learnt.

"I may not see this offense made right in my eyes, in my days but I entrust myself to God, fighting through my doubts and hesitations."

It's time to move out of the fog.

 XXxxxxx Margs

VICTIM TO VICTOR

You are so good at playing the Victim that you should walk around with your own body chalk! A joke but so true of some!

- Victims refuse to take responsibility, someone else must take care of things.

- Victims show only self-pity, everything else becomes an external influence.

“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”

John W. Gardner

“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”

Richard Bach

How do we break out of a Victim Mentality? Hendrik Edberg gives us some pointers.

In victim mode, we feel sorry for ourselves; the world seems to be against us and we get stuck. Little to no action is taken and we get lost in a funk of sadness.

So how can we move out of that mindset? ........the answer: Awareness of what "being the victim" is all about!

1. There are benefits in being a Victim!

a) Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. 

b) You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk therefore there is no rejection and no failure.

c) You don't have to take responsibility. Taking responsibility for your own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it can become burdensome.

d) It makes you feel right. You are right in your own eyes and that can lead to pleasurable feelings. We all love to be RIGHT:)

We need to say, "NO" to these benefits and choose a different path; there will be a better outcome if we make a better choice and move forward.

2. New behaviour is needed and can be scary!

To break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life, or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them.

Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar.

3. The Responsibility is yours.

Instead of blaming someone else for the bad things that happen, take responsibility. Victim mentality damages relationships, ambitions and achievements.

Stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead  start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you.

4. Being grateful gives new perspective.

When I feel that I am putting myself in victim role I like to ask myself this question:

"Is there someone suffering more than me?"

We begin to understand that we have much to be grateful for in our lives.This question changes our perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps us to lighten up about our situation.

After we have changed our perspective we need to ask another question:

“What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?”

That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse.

5. Forgiveness brings freedom.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do” but forgiveness is necessary so that your attitude can change. Forgiveness is not forgetting and it is costly to you as you need to let go of feelings of revenge and unfairness.

Remember true reconciliation can only take place if the language of forgiveness is heard. Not just "I'm sorry" but "what I did was wrong, will you forgive me?"

6. Refocus, it's not all about me!

The way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. Help and serve someone else, it will remove the focus from "me" to "they" :)

Don't be a victim of your circumstances!

XXxxxx Margs