ANGER: SIMMERING JUST UNDER THE SURFACE

This last week I have been asked to prepare some teaching on anger. Again I realized just how sneaky this feeling is. It lingers just under the surface simmering away, then jumps out at you when you least expect it.

I have difficult relationships in my life that ‘keep me on my toes’ when it comes to anger management. We often believe, "okay I'm over that"...and then that sneaky little anger bubble rises again!

We have many misconceptions regarding anger, many are absorbed from family and society: 

-Parents or Grandparents who have raised us

-Teachers 

-Pastors or ministers of our Faith

Here are a few:

1. Anger is bad -- No, all humans get angry, anger is a feeling ...it is not good or bad.

2. Good people don't get angry -- No, a person that does not know how to be angry, does not know how to be good. (Henry Beecher)

3. Anger always means you yell and throw things!-- No, my response to feeling anger can either be positive or negative.

4. If I get angry, it's always better to pretend I'm not. -- No, it is better to express how I am feeling and then move on.

5. I will be angry until the other person changes. -- No,  all people are different, they will not always measure up to my standards.

6. I have a right to my angry display when someone does something I don't like. --No, I do not have the right to harm myself or anyone else. 

Our anger functions a lot like a pressure cooker. The pot is filled with painful emotions. These emotions landed in the pot because we shoved them in there in an attempt not to be hurt, not to feel the pain.

Those feelings will build up and build up until WHOOSH! they burst out and do we let off steam! The steam is anger expressed badly: either Passive Aggressively or Aggressively. Pressure is relieved for a time but will start building again if we do not find a way to deal with these feelings in a healthy way. Each feeling should be dealt with before they build up to an explosive level.

What is Passive Aggressive Anger? 

A sign of distress.

It is commonly a symptom of a chemically dependent family background i.e. Those who have lived with alcoholism or drug abuse or even within a violent home.  Fear prevents the venting of anger therefore the anger turns inwards.

It is not openly aggressive as the person is not comfortable with aggression. They still want their way but want everyone to still like them or they fear a violent reaction. They pretend that all is well when in fact it isn't. It is never constructive.

Symptoms of Passive Aggressive Anger

1. Control...they stop talking to people, sulk and create tension.

2. Blaming...they act out as the victim, they ask, "why me?" And whine, "it's not fair!"

3. Urgency...there is an urgency to make something happen.  I have a goal, a need! And I will reach it!

4. Refuse to feel for anyone else...They ignore and deny everyone else's feelings. It's all about me!

What is Aggressive Anger?

At it's worst a Cycle of Violence becomes a lifestyle:

Remorse/regret -> Honeymoon -> Escalation/ Tension Build -> Explosion

So how should we express our Anger?

The objective is to focus on the specific incident in a controlled manner, looking for a solution.

Positive expression may be a process.  

Sometimes the breaking of trust is so immense that it takes a long time to work through our feelings of anger but for our own healing, we must learn to express our anger positively so that we can move on without regret. 

Our expression can be verbal or nonverbal. Sometimes we do not trust ourselves to verbally stay calm so it is best to have a good cry in order to release the anger before seeing the other person.  

Writing out our feelings is also a good tool in bringing our angry feelings into some semblance of control.  Physical exercise is also a great release. Dealing with our anger is a journey. Small incidents are easier to handle but when a massive trauma occurs, it takes all we have to harness our angry feelings and deal with the situation in a positive way.

Here are some helpful words in understanding the opposite of anger:

Self control

Self restraint

Peace

Patience

Letting go of controlling others

Love

Giving the benefit of the doubt

Cleaning, painting, chopping wood !

Keep journeying with me as we grapple with these difficulties in our lives:)

HEALING BEGINS WHEN WE IDENTIFY THE LIE

How long will it take me to heal from this? When will I be able to move on? Why does it hurt so much?

These are questions we have all asked when we are going through difficulties in life.  I have taught Recovery Courses that love to give formulae for these questions e.g. Divorce Recovery -when can I start another serious relationship? Answer: Number of years married divided by 4. One can already ascertain that there are going to be various problems with that formula!

So where to start in answering these questions?

Let's begin with a definition of healing:

The Merriam-Webster dictionary gives the following definitions of healing:

1. to make sound or whole

2. to restore to health

3. to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome

4. to restore to original purity or integrity

5. to return to a sound state

If we appreciate that “Regardless of whether our focus in healing is on the physical, mental, emotional or spiritual level, all levels are invariably touched by the process and none can be separated out from the rest.”(Mary Maddux) 

It follows that our definition above incorporates all dimensions and circumstances where healing is necessary.

I believe our major roadblock to healing is in not identifying the 'underlying lie' that we have absorbed and assimilated into our very beings. By identifying it we will uncover that unique pathway to our healing.

What stops us from identifying the lie?

1. Fear : If we don't want to deal with something; somewhere there is some fear involved.  It's going to hurt and we hate pain and will protect ourselves from it.

2. Embarrassment : Embarrassment is another painful but important emotion. It makes us feel bad about our mistakes so that we don't repeat them. One of its side effects is blushing which signals to others that we recognise our error and are not cold-hearted or oblivious. Shame, a related emotion, can be felt even when no one knows about our situation.

We recognise that if we are to uncover the lie, we will not only be exposing the person who has wronged us but in some way we too will be exposed! So often this is enough to stop our exploration of our situation and pain. 

For our own benefit it is imperative that we explore and expose 'the lie'. We have no need to even share this with anyone but we have a deep need to acknowledge it...you will be amazed how from that point on, healing will begin to take place.

A Case Study

While going through a divorce, Marcelle was ambushed by grief and her emotions were a tangled ball. When she walked into a Divorce Recovery Group, she felt as if she was wearing a 'Capital D' on her forehead. As her group shared their stories, she became bold and shared hers too.  As the weeks passed, the process of sharing enabled an unraveling of those tangled emotions and as she held those emotions in her hands, she began to understand deeper things. She realised that she was not alone in her pain but others were hurting too.  There were those who just 'injected Novocaine' into their wounds and started new relationships and never returned but many wanted to get to the very root of their difficulties so that they would gain understanding of who they really were and what had brought them to this point.

For Marcelle, it was the realisation that she believed 'the lie' that she was worthless, she had come to believe that her position in this life was as an appendage to another person.  Her husband had told her this directly and indirectly so many times that she now believed it and lived her life accordingly. In uncovering 'the lie' she began to explore who she was before she was married and who she is today. She studied further and rebuilt her life. 
(Marcelle is a fictitious name) 

Digging out 'the lie' becomes the pivotal point in time when change can occur.

Are you struggling with something and have been for years and years? Explore your inner world to ascertain 'the lie', pray and ask God to reveal it. Find a Counsellor who will help you uncover it as you explore your emotions.

My wish for us all is that we are made whole that we can reach a place of restoration by overcoming our difficulties so that we can be the best that we can be. 

COMPASSIONATE OR CODEPENDENT?

Am I compassionate or codependent?

Codependency is a form of addiction – relationship addiction. It makes you feel as if you have a hangover at times.

 “I'm not coping, if I can just get time alone, just to be alone and rest!"

Most addictions leave you with hangovers and like other hangovers you will begin to experience a deterioration in emotional and physical health. 

Compassion, on the other hand, promotes general health and well-being. In fact, recent studies show that compassion makes us feel good in a variety of ways. It activates pleasure brain circuits, secretes the “bonding” hormone oxytocin, slows down our heart rate, makes us more resilient to stress and boosts our immune system.

What a light bulb moment when we can clarify our relationships in this way. I have found that the 'unknown' only adds to my stress and worry. 

A friend told me this, "The distinction between compassion and codependency isn’t always so clear cut. I think there are many moments that I am acting with both: my intention to help often projects more in a need of my own or a good deed may become less about empathising and more about fulfilling  a 'people-pleasing' void."

For those of us who have suffered this 'addiction' in the past, it is good to note that we are a 'work in progress' - awareness of our actions is key to moving toward a life of compassion and not codependency.

Deep inside it is a compassionate heart that predisposes us to this danger; it is the fuel that may light the flame of codependency. Intention and motive are key to keeping ourselves in check. 

When we take into account that most communication is nonverbal (some say 85%!), we begin to understand that nonverbal behaviour is the most crucial aspect of communication. There are all types of signals flashing between people all the time. We are sending out our 'heart's cries and desires' without a word leaving our lips.

This is why we must be diligent and guard our hearts. King Solomon said it best: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

This is necessary for at least three reasons:

1. Your heart is extremely valuable. We don’t guard worthless things.

2. Your heart is the source of everything you do. It is the source of everything else in your life. Your heart overflows into thoughts, words and actions.

3. Your heart is under constant attack. There are predatory individuals out there and we need to up our awareness of the damage they can cause in our lives!

Codependency is slavery.

Compassion is freedom.

Choose freedom.

FEEDING YOUR HEART JUNK FOOD

We all know what junk food does to our bodies; imagine what junk/destructive feelings do to our hearts.

It is essential to understand that we all have a right to everything we feel, we feel it therefore it is our truth.  

Just as we do not feed our physical bodies heaps of junk food, we certainly do not want to be feeding our hearts (our emotional centre) junk.

Destructive emotions need to be identified and skilfully handled in order to bring them under submission. We all have these feelings but we need to learn the skills to control and direct them:

DOUBT

I have noticed that there are two types of doubt:

1. Doubt that incapacitates - you become frozen with fear of failure or even fear of success.
2. Doubt that makes a person go into overdrive - you work extremely hard and never make time for enjoyment. There is constant stress and worry because you doubt your ability. You believe that if you relax, you will lose everything.

The problem with doubt is this: you can never really know what the outcome of your decisions will be, that is out of your hands. But the person who never takes a risk, however small, will not be moving forward. At some point, you’ve got to take a risk.

Doubting that doubt is often helpful i.e. question your own doubt.

ANGER

The following is referenced from the best book I have ever read on anger:

Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. As has been mentioned, we all have a right to everything we feel - and certainly our anger is no exception.

If feeling anger signals a problem, venting anger negatively does not solve it. So there are questions about anger that may be helpful to ask ourselves:

       “What am I really angry about?”

       “What is the problem, and whose problem is it?”

        “How can I sort out who is responsible for what?”

       “How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?”

       “When I’m angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?”

       “What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?” 

        “If getting angry is not working for me, what can I do differently?”

(The Dance of Anger – Harriet Lerner)

FEAR

President Franklin Roosevelt famously asserted, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." 

We have turned fear into a real ‘boogie man’ in our day but Karl Albrecht states that it is not that complicated; fear is “an anxious feeling, caused by our anticipation of some imagined event or experience.”

Speaking truth to ourselves will help to dispel fear.  If we can make sense of the feeling or experience, we have a better chance of controlling our reaction. 

“What if?”  If there is no answer, lay it to rest.

This may be a solution in its simplest form but we can build up to those more complicated fears when we have a starting point.

Joy, hope, peace and love be yours. 

“Before you can win, you have to believe you are worthy.”  - Mike Ditka

WHEN REJECTION IS A MEANS OF PROTECTION

Rejection is not always a negative. 

Rejection happens to us all and we carry the scars to prove it. Even small cuts can really sting; grazes and scrapes are all hurtful and one of the reasons people tend to experience such sharp emotional pain when they encounter rejection is that the same areas in the brain are activated when people experience rejection as when they experience physical pain. 

"Despite how common rejection is, few people know how to soothe the emotional pain it evokes and still fewer recognise the Psychological wounds. 

In addition to causing sharp emotional pain, rejection also damages self-esteem, it makes you angry, it increases aggressive impulses (one of the main reasons people punch walls), and it destabilises your need to feel connected." - Guy Winch 

     

We howl and cry when in physical pain. Yet we defend our inner self when in emotional pain, we cover the wound with a plaster that and sometimes never remove it; it is soiled, horrible and dirty but still in place.

From an early age we begin to deceive ourselves. Self deception is the use of defence mechanisms that ease emotional pain. 

You may ask, " but isn't that a good thing?" ...no, because we want to grow and mature. We want to have strength of character to overcome setbacks. 

Let's do an exercise and see whether we can pick out our own means of self deception when dealing with emotional trauma. If we recognise them we can learn to face up to our emotional pain and begin our road to healing, getting to know our authentic self. 

Deep breath...here we go...remember defence mechanisms are one of our commonest ways to cope with unpleasant emotions:

1. Denial: the first step in the cycle of any loss. I believe denial is a soft cushion on which to lay your head, just for a moment, before you have to face up to reality but denial can become a way of life.

2. Repression: a step up from denial. "It never happened" We can completely block out the trauma. The difficulty being that it can pop up at anytime in our memory.

3. Regression: slipping back into childish behaviour. I have seen a grown man throw a tantrum like a 2 year old! A childish dependency may be the outcome of continuous regressive behaviour, which may lead to codependent behaviour.

4. Displacement: our "kicking the dog" analogy. Instead of focusing on the problematic person, we displace our anger or other emotions on the poor dog or another unlucky individual.

5. Projection: this is extremely challenging to recognise; a simple example: you buy an expensive outfit but feel it does not look so good on you.  You arrive at a party wearing it and decide your friends stared at it just a moment too long; you blurt out, "Why don't you like my outfit?" 

6. Reaction Formation: we all know the quote " the lady doth protest too much". This describes reaction formation. We have seen it played out, outward behaviour that shows the opposite of what a person is truly like in secret.

7. Intellectualising: we immediately start to think of solutions instead of feeling the pain e.g. A flat mate leaves after a fight, you sit down and work out your finances.

8. Rationalisation : letting ourselves off the hook and blaming others or circumstances.

9. Sublimation: it is a long term cognitive response to earlier pain and is played out by "paying it forward" to others in pain.  Most psychologists and those in ‘helping professions’ can find themselves in this place.  

Ponder this:

“I know that when a door closes, it can feel like all doors are closing. A rejection letter can feel like everyone will reject us. But a closed door leads to clarity. It's really an arrow. Because we cannot go through that door, we will go somewhere else. That somewhere else is your true life.” 

― Tama J. Kieves

Rejection really can be your protection, if we feel that pain, we will look back and accept our new path and ourselves.

Resources:

Whitbourne, SK, Fulfillment at any Age. 2011