SAVE ON THERAPY BILLS - KEEP A JOURNAL

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way

- Charles Dickens

Just as familiar to us today...

Writing down your thoughts, venting your emotions about a problem or situation in your life, or just recording scribbles, poetry, inspiring quotations and dreams, brings you closer to who you are.  It is a window into what is important to you. (excerpt from Journalution by S Grason)

Journaling has been my life saver; I have kept a journal since 1999, through some stormy periods and through calm.  What I have learnt is that when challenges or crisis hits, the comfort in glancing back in my journal is soothing. To delve into my journals and probe previous periods of despair brings answers that were there just waiting to pop up once more and place salve on the wound.

Akin to looking through a photo album, my journals have become cherished friends; they transport me not only to the situation but to the script and emotion of that moment of joy or sadness.

 

 

Save yourself therapy bills and journal.

We hunger for self knowledge and we struggle as we are not sure how to achieve it. Journaling is the window to clamber through.

Reasons for journaling

                 ·

      It clarifies your thoughts and feelings.
Do you ever seem all jumbled up inside, unsure of what you want or feel? Taking a few minutes to jot down your thoughts and emotions (no editing!) will quickly get you in touch with your internal world.

·      
You get to know yourself better.
By writing consistently you will get to know what makes you feel happy and secure. You will also become clear about situations and people who are toxic for you. This is important information for your emotional well-being.

·      
It reduces stress.
Writing about anger, sadness and other painful emotions helps to let go of the intensity of these feelings. You may find you write continuously on a subject for a length of time then, you can let it go. This will aid calmness and peace.

·      
You will be able to solve problems more effectively.
Normally we problem solve from a left-brained, analytical perspective, but sometimes the answer can only be found by engaging right-brained creativity and intuition. The key of writing or sketching unlocks these other capabilities, and affords the opportunity for unanticipated solutions to apparently unsolvable problems.

·      
It will assist in resolving disagreements with others.
Writing about misunderstandings rather than stewing over them will help you to understand another’s point of view. 

We all feel awkward when we begin to journal but just go with the flow; do not be afraid of the intensity of your feelings and write in any way you wish to.  Essay, point form, scribbles with balloon speech.....it is yours and it is personal.

It’s time to get brave and dig down deep.

Happy Journaling!

 

 

AN EXODUS STORY

Most are familiar with the story of the Israelites fleeing from Pharaoh, crossing the Red Sea and heading towards a Promised Land. 

I believe it is important to carve out our own Exodus Story - a personal legend about what has happened to us in the past, what is happening to us now.

 

Our personal ‘Egypt’ may be our tight restrained place, a place where we are confined and restricted; where we are enslaved by inflexible roles, behaviours and mindsets; any place that restricts or diminishes our inner world – from this position change becomes not only a suggestion but a necessity.

Freedom is achieved by first recognizing the places in our lives where we are enslaved, and secondly working freeing ourselves from such slavery. Are we a slave to our ego? Are our jobs taking priority over our family lives? Are we in an abusive situation?

As we mature, it is like peeling an onion, our lives can be rediscovered one layer at a time. We have a need to stop and spend time asking ourselves true questions.

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Where am I going?

Viktor Frankl states that when we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.

 

 

So begins the challenge of change and here are some pointers along the way:
 

1.    Resistance to change

     There will always be resistance to change from within and without. Courage is necessary to bring about change. We are moving towards an unknown and many of us shy away from change.

2.    Setbacks

There is always a tug-of-war between the old and the new. Others may stand in our way and behaviours and tolerance levels may need to change.

3.    Feeling and Expressing of Pain

We have possibly grown numb to our pain as we have learnt to endure things we ought not to have accepted; breaking out of these unhealthy patterns may be painful.

4.    From Impasse to Breakthrough

Just like the final push of ‘labour’ we are both fearful and awe-inspired. When we have made our decision to change and move forward both of these emotions will be present.

 

-        What are your hopes and dreams?

-        Imagine what the change will look like in your life and circumstances, it may feel like an abyss to begin with but step by step it will become your ‘new normal’.

Jung refers to an awakening of the larger Self, an awakening happens when we learn that we are not defined by our history we move forward towards who we are truly meant to be. Some believe this can be done purely through the Self but personally I needed to believe Jesus, who helped me through.

 

MY EXODUS STORY

Throughout the 25 years of my marriage; lies, criticism, tantrums were the order of the day, but because of my Ex’s unyielding schedule, he did not spend much time in the home which was a relief. When he did, his behaviour was often bizarre. His energy was focused on himself, his work, his ambition etc. If my role was played out well, there was a semblance of peace; I accepted the restrictions and the put down of my inner self as my children’s safety and security took precedence.

I am the "Mother of his children" but when his children had grown and were leaving home, I became redundant to him. I had stood behind and supported him, worked for him as he launched a new career, as he fulfilled his dreams, as he made a fortune. He was at the pinnacle of his career and he needed a new trophy, he found a mistress! He felt he could have it all and keep the “Mother of his children” tucked away in a sleepy town, just in case...

I found myself in that restrained place, enslaved by inflexible roles, behaviours and mindsets.

I had somehow lost my value, my identity and my dignity. There was a need for change but what resistance within!  The setbacks were massive as I journeyed through a lengthy divorce and felt the enormity of my pain and my anger.

The Breakthrough has become my story; Mom’s tell of the birth of their children; my Story is my place of re-birth.  I am becoming who I ‘ought to be’ and wish to help others along my journey.

Cloud & Townsend state:  “Sometimes on the road of life…getting lost is how we find our way”- this is truth in my Exodus Story.

“RIVER OF UNKNOWING”

Tentatively

I tip my toe

into the river of the un-knowing

innocently

I feel for the rhythms

of a transformation’s under towing

wantonly

I open and I open

like a seed that’s ripe for sowing

somehow I taste the freedom

and relief

that I don’t know who I am

and I don’t know where I’m going

-Treasure Miller

Our “Exodus moments” become our source of strength and salvation for future life. 

 

PRIMA DONNA

A Prima Donna suffers from Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD).  She is often accused of being a "drama queen" with no joke intended. She is the person who grabs the microphone, hogs the limelight, always changes the subject to herself, behaves outrageously, has tantrums and generally refuses to be ignored. She is a handful.
                                                             

Her cry is “PRAISE ME”:

P – with provocative (or seductive) behaviour
R – believes relationships are more intimate than they are
A – must be the centre of attention
I -   is influenced easily
S -  speech (style) - wants to impress but lacks detail
E – is an emotional liability, extremely shallow

M - make-up – over exaggerated  physical appearance used to draw attention to self
E -  exaggerated emotions – is theatrical
outofthefog.net

HPD is characterized by a long-standing model of attention seeking behaviour and excessive emotionality.

As a family member or friend, you realize that:

1.     Important problems or concerns take a back seat to trivial, fabricated or exaggerated problems pushed forward by our Prima Donna.

2.     You find yourself making excuses or covering up abnormal and embarrassing public behaviour. Our Prima Donna may be sexually seductive or provocative to draw attention to herself. This is extremely embarrassing for the family and others. Our Prima Donna sexualises everyone and every situation. She constantly acts flirtatious, provocative and seductive, even when such behaviour is highly inappropriate.

3.     You find her rapidly cycling between erratic emotional highs and lows without pausing through normal.

4.     Other healthy relationships and activities you enjoy outside the relationship are seen as competitive and discouraged, belittled or forbidden by her.

Research suggests that there is a slightly increased risk for HPD being “passed down” to her children. This I believe is an aspect of modelling; therefore provocative behaviours are often visible especially in female offspring.

As the partner of a Prima Donna, life is a continuous challenge as she may seek to control through emotional manipulation or seductiveness on one level, whereas displaying a clear dependency at another level. This is extremely trying and tiring as incessant behaviour.

If positive attention is not forthcoming our Prima Donna is often just as interested in attracting negative attention, including shock, anger, outrage, shame, guilt and remorse.

Most adults learn to self-regulate these attention-seeking instincts by considering their other long-term interests such as the advantages of stable relationships, but our Prima Donna  is compelled to be the life of the party. If she fails in achieving this pivotal role, she will act out, create hysterical scenes, or confabulate i.e. to fill in gaps with fabrications that she believes to be facts.

Our Prima Donna’s conduct is often ill-received; hugging casual acquaintances, shouting out at concerts; uncontrollable sobbing in public or having temper tantrums is annoying and even outright repulsive. Consequently, she is sometimes subject to social reproach and barring.

For her, she is using this excess and blatant emotionality to gain the attention she craves, but her intensity and unpredictability are exhausting. Our Prima Donna is so unhealthy that she is typically accused of being a fake. It is ironic that she often mistakes the depth, durability and intimacy of her relationships and is devastated by their inevitable early finale.

Keeping our Prima Donna happy often feels like filling a Black Hole or emptying the ocean. Fear, Obligation and Guilt are experienced by those up close and personal.

As an aside, I would like to mention an interesting article I pondered this week by Amy Simpson and found thought provoking:

“I love the church, and I’m a huge fan of the many ways God has used Christian people as a force for good in this world. But sometimes, in our ignorance, stubborn misconception, corruption, laziness, fear, or very human desire to believe we deserve a better life than others; we actually become a serious part of the problem. We need to counsel our church members to seek professional help for mental health issues. This will never take away from praying to Our Father, just as visiting a medical doctor does not.  - See more at: http://amysimpsononline.com/2013/09/evangelicals-youre-wrong-about-mental-illness/#sthash.6ItKDuvv.dpuf

 

References:

outofthefog.net

Vaknin, S, Malignant Self Love, 2008.

FOOLED BY POWER

 

The constant effect of handing people power seems to be the source of them acting like fools.

Mr. Keltner, a professor from the Haas School of Business, compares the feeling of power to brain damage, noting that people with a lot of authority tend to behave like neurological patients with a damaged orbito-frontal cortex, a brain area that is crucial for empathy and decision-making.

Adam Galinsky agrees with this, stating that a sense of power has a dramatic effect on thought and behaviour; that being in a high-power role transforms people psychologically.

We have seen this played out when witnessing a friend, spouse or colleague rise to power; they change and it is not envy on our part but the reality of change on their part that produces destructive behaviour.

Surveys of organisations find that the vast majority of rude and inappropriate behaviours, such as the shouting of profanities, marital cheating etc. come from the offices of those with the most authority. Nice, ‘good’ people turn evil and abuse the power they so ardently sought.

The Powerful and the Strong are not always as they seem.  We assume, because of societal pressure, that being bigger and stronger and richer is always in our best interest (Malcolm Gladwell). Yet it seems that power and wealth contain the seed of their own destruction.

Psychologists refer to this as the paradox of power. The very traits that helped leaders accumulate control in the first place all but disappear once they rise to power.

 We all deal with powerful people, how do we survive.

 

A SURVIVAL KIT TO GET US THROUGH THE DAY

1.     Recognise the Abuse of power

Be aware of dominating, humiliating and unreasonable behaviour and /or neglect.

2.     Beware of Gaslighting

An abuser of power makes you question your own reality/sanity, second guess yourself and they feed false information and deny facts.

3.     Know yourself

Get to know YOU better and better. You have a right to your opinion and feelings.

4.     Ask for support

In a working environment seek support through Human Resources; if in a family matter seek Professional Counsel.

5.    Last resort: Free yourself from Abusive Power

Grieve the loss, not only of the relationship you thought you had, but also of the relationship with yourself that you neglected. The good news is you can always repair the relationship with yourself.

We live in a world where appearance is everything! Attention seeking has become the number one past time and envy is a preoccupation.  

Knowing ourselves should become our primary goal as we seek to survive the abuse of power, attention seeking behaviours, envy and pretence.

Richard Foster states that: Superficiality is the curse of our age. The doctrine of instant satisfaction is a primary spiritual problem. Desperate need is not for a greater number of intelligent or gifted people, but for deep people.

Let’s strive to be one. Go deeper.

DRAMATIC-ERRATIC PERSONALITY

Information is necessary if we wish to understand certain dynamics in our relationships or we will never see the arrows coming until we are already bleeding.

Where most of us have a heart, ‘Dramatic-Erratic’ personalities have a frozen chicken nugget rarely thawing out since their blood runs colder than Sub-Zero. 

They know the morally correct thing to do and they understand social rules, but they don’t feel the unbearable pain of remorse for their selfish ways.

It is helpful to remember that they, being a spouse, parent, sibling, boss, or friend, all are faced with three central concerns:

1. What they feel people did to them that was unnecessarily mean, hurtful, and thoughtless.

2. What they believe other people did not do for them that they feel they should have done.

3. A time when they feel that someone in their life has not done enough for them.

There is no way for anyone else to satisfy their needs because their discomfort comes from the inside. No matter what you do, it will never be enough. They are out of touch with the reality of their being i.e. their body and its feelings.

“Typically, when told they've hurt your feelings, their denial takes the form of insisting you're not hurt, or that you shouldn't be hurt, that you're wrong to be hurt, that they didn't hurt you, that you're too easily hurt and that you shouldn't complain because they're hurt worse.”

 

 

They are initially liked by people but it soon wears off with repeated interaction (Paulhus 1998), this is due to their significant low levels of empathy. In a study conducted by Hart & Hepper, University of Southampton School of Psychology (2013), the findings showed:

1.    They lack aspects of empathy; they are low in emotional concern and warmth, low in personal distress and perspective-taking i.e. they do not grasp the extent of another’s distress and pain. (Part of the study was to allow candidates to watch a disturbing DVD on domestic violence, there was still no change in the above results.)

2.    There seemed to be a window of opportunity as a result of the study; if they can be motivated to see another’s perspective, it may improve their level of empathic response. The question is : how do we motivate this?

Simon Baron-Cohen also agrees on two stages of empathy:

Empathy is our ability to identify what someone else is thinking or feeling, and to respond to their thoughts and feelings with an appropriate emotion.
 

•       Recognition
•         Response

To recognise the motivation of another’s perspective, and respond appropriately.

Lowen states that ‘Dramatic-Erratics’ deny their own feelings and able to deny that other people feel anything. This would explain much of their behaviour e.g. employers who drive their employees ruthlessly, creating a reign of terror by their indifference to human emotional response.These tyrants see themselves as generals in a war in which business success spells victory.Their employees are therefore subordinates who are expendable in the war.

Behavioural repertoire:

§  Denial of their own feelings

§  Creating an image of power

§  Their goal is winning at all costs

Be vigilant! If you have fought to free yourself from just such a relationship, beware 'hoovering' i.e. being sucked back into the relationship when the perpetrator temporary exhibits improved or desirable behaviour. It is so easy to let down your defences and the cycle of abuse begins once more.