What is really going
on Inside the Narcissist?
Our goal is to discover compassion without buying
into the behaviour or playing a role in the Production that the Narcissist is
directing.
The Greek Legend of Narcissus tells us how Narcissus was once walking by a lake and
decided to drink some water; he saw his reflection in the water and was
surprised by the beauty he saw; he became entranced by the reflection of
himself. He could not obtain the object of his desire though, and he died at
the banks of the lake from his sorrow.
So many of
us have come to believe that Narcissists love themselves but this is not so. Narcissists love the “reflection”
of themselves. A reflection they create in order to cover up the reality of their
inner self who, in their eyes, is defective, malfunctioning, small and
insecure. They feel deeply fractured inside.
What brings
about this insecurity? Research shows that narcissism is birthed primarily through
modelling. Many a Narcissist is
created by a parent living their dreams and their life through their
child, promoting the child socially without warmth and nurturing.
The focus is to advance this child to a place
of glory but it is done without the necessary character-building lessons all
children need. In many cases Narcissists grow up in families which are fraught
with secrecy and ‘skeletons in the closet’.
Narcissists
are therefore strong in ‘Impression Management’; the reflection they mirror is
a contradiction and a dilemma to all who come into contact with them. Their behaviour
defies logic.
Narcissists learn how to use others to feel better about
themselves. They cannot “be there” for anyone, even their most cherished
partner, of whom they so often say they "adore", as they fear their own vulnerability. They are prolific liars as there
is trepidation of being found out as a fraud.
They boast (subtly or not
so subtly), they are charming and generous but all these behaviours hide an individual with Machiavellian
tendencies, one who truly believes that one must “never tell anyone the real reason you did something
unless it is useful to do so."
Narcissists with high Machiavellianism have
shown that they are not only high achievers but will achieve at the expense of
others with no hesitation or remorse. They will do everything in their power not to express directly what they feel. They generalise, compare, justify, analyse etc. anything but show emotion. Narcissists abuse people, they mislead people into believing that they mean something to them, it is all a sham and a charade. ~Sam Vaknin
How do we stop
ourselves from being sucked into their 'play' and if we already have a role,
what action can be taken?
We are looking at Narcissism through a compassionate lens
but the terms of engagement with a Narcissist need to be direct and focused.
Dr George K.Simon
gives us hope in respectful engagement:
1. Accept
no excuses....the rationale for the behaviour is totally irrelevant
2. Judge
actions – not intentions.... never try to mind-read or second guess the action
3. Set
personal limits....what behaviour you will tolerate and what action you will
take to protect yourself
4. Make
Direct requests....avoid generalities, give no room for distortion
5. Accept
only Direct responses....respectfully ask until you receive this
6. Stay
focused in the ‘here and now’....don’t be thrown off track by diversionary
tactics, don’t bring up the past
7. Keep
the weight of responsibility on the Narcissist....what will they do to correct
their behaviour?
8. Avoid
Sarcasm, Hostility and Put-Downs....this is ‘war talk’ to the Narcissist
9. Avoid
making threats....just take action
10. Take
Action quickly....at the first sign of intolerable behaviour
11. Speak
for yourself....on a one-to-one-basis, don’t bring in behaviour towards others
12. Make
reasonable agreements....keep your end of the bargain
13. Be
prepared for consequences....they will try to regain the upper hand and a sense
of vindication
14. Be
honest with yourself....know what you can deal with
This 'Action List'
has been my saving grace and I pray that it becomes yours. Take these steps in
a loving and respectful way and have a certain hope that the relationship will
change, the Narcissist may never change but you can as you find stability and
learn the skills to move forward.
Scott Peck states
in ‘The Road less Traveled’ that loving is not a feeling, an art or a state of
mind, but a behaviour to which the two Great Commandments exhort us to commit
ourselves.
Loving God and loving others as ourselves.
