Tuesday, 20 May 2014

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE FALLOUT FROM A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP



"I have just escaped the clutches of a narcissist, I am broken-hearted, lonely and have no idea where to begin in building back the person I was once was. My hopes, my dreams are shattered. What now?"- Dierdre {broken-hearted}


Dear Myrtle {recovery and establishment of God’s promises}

While many experts focus on the narcissist, I prefer to focus on you and the lessons you need to learn so that you can let go, move on and hopefully never repeat the experience. Before you can move on, the most important thing to understand about narcissists is that underneath their apparent self-confidence is a profound lack of self-esteem.

Narcissists do not think well of themselves, and to make themselves feel better, they choose partners who doubt themselves and their capabilities.

If you had strong self-esteem and confidence in yourself, you would not be chosen by a narcissist as a possible partner. This is because narcissists like to control and feel superior. People with healthy self-confidence who make the mistake of entering a relationship with a narcissist quickly become aware of the emotional abuse and cut the relationship short. They recognize that there is something out of balance and that it’s easier to move on. Most importantly, they refuse to take the blame. Instead, knowing they are unhappy, they focus on themselves and deal confidently and quickly with a relationship that has no value.

Stop Judging Yourself

When you doubt yourself and lack confidence, you become the perfect target for a narcissist. Narcissists are appealing at first. 

They give the impression of strength and confidence. Their goal is to charm you and make you think it is all about you. If you weren’t blinded by the attention and weren’t questioning your own self-worth, you would realize a lot sooner that your date is interested in you only because you appear weak and less worthy. Of course, if you had known this in advance, you would not have entered the relationship.

To avoid entering another relationship based on your self-doubt, ask yourself: How can I take care of myself better? How can I avoid sending out signals that I need help or a savior, or lots of attention? Nip it in the bud by believing in God’s love and who you are in Him. 

{Some narcissistic traits, when used appropriately with personal boundaries, make for exceptional people. Ambition, motivation, even arrogance and desire for power, are good attributes when balanced with humility and not used at the expense of others. Wanting to feel powerful is a positive desire. Needing to feel powerful by putting others down is unhealthy.}

The First Clue

Was there a time at the beginning of the relationship when you asked yourself, “How is it possible that such a great person is choosing me?” That was a good clue. Your lack of confidence was the reason you attracted a narcissist.

If you are overcoming dating a narcissist, remember this:  You are a solid, genuine person and probably more successful than you allow yourself to believe. Narcissists are picky. They don’t date just anyone. They look for successful, accomplished people who are kind enough to let the narcissist’s self-created superiority overshadow them. If you have allowed a narcissist to prey on your lack of self-confidence, stop! No more downplaying who you truly are. It’s time to rise to the top. The lesson here is that you are much better than you think you are. Embrace the truth and move on!

The Mirror Theory

If you have attracted a narcissist into your life, you may want to ask yourself how you are acting? How are you neglecting yourself? How are you putting yourself down? In your own nice way, do you feel that you are better than others? Do you subconsciously put others down when you are feeling insecure about yourself? Not all the narcissistic traits may be mirrored in you.  

Good questions to ask yourself :“What traits are the biggest problem for me, and how do I do that to myself?”

This idea is a lot to absorb. It is what you need to shift from being a victim to owning your own journey. People who have dated a narcissist and have the guts to move on are bruised emotionally. They often collapse into being a victim. 

They are hurt, they feel even less confident of themselves and that can lead to blaming themselves for staying in the relationship too long. They can become abusive toward themselves and actually perpetuate in themselves the narcissistic tendencies they had the courage to leave.

Moving on After a relationship with a Narcissist

Be a victim no more! The relationship has ended. Embrace that truth. You want to move forward, with no more abuse. 

Rise to the top – your top — by consciously shifting from putting yourself down to showing deep empathy for yourself. Love yourself and love other. Rebuild your self-confidence by taking an objective inventory of who you are. No cheating! No counting yourself short!

Promise yourself that from now on, you will be your own leader. You will believe in yourself and your achievements and will shower yourself with empathy. Yes, empathy, the quality totally missing from a narcissist, may just be the perfect antidote to dating one.

Written by Monica Magnetti from Luna Coaching

Be kind to yourself and heal well! There is life after "the Narcissist"!


Saturday, 3 May 2014

DATING A NARCISSIST? - 8 RED FLAGS

Tina Swithin has researched and lived through ' Life with a Narcissist' her story is one all should read! 



8 Red Flags That You May Be Dating A Narcissist (Like The One I Married)

AUG. 14, 2013 
By the time I understood this personality disorder, we had two daughters, were almost 2 million dollars in debt and I had lost every ounce of respect that I once had for this man.

I happen to be somewhat of an expert when it comes to narcissists. At the age of 26, I was swept off my feet by a modern day Prince Charming. We met at a lake and within weeks he began to shower me with gifts, flowers, poems, expensive vacations, shopping sprees and affection. I was naïve and from a small town, and I was sold on everything that was presented to me.

Things moved quickly and while I saw red flags, I chose to ignore them. There were several times than I caught him lying, but I believed his excuses. I trusted him when he said that he could afford what he was buying.

A year later we were married, and I discovered that there was something seriously wrong with my fairytale. Our marriage was filled with lies, deception, fraud and tears.

I heard the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder from my therapist in 2008 when she implied that my husband was a narcissist. Once I began researching the disorder, the past 10 years of my life made complete sense. By the time I understood this personality disorder, we had two daughters and were almost 2 million dollars in debt — and I had lost every ounce of respect that I once had for this man. In one year, I went from a million-dollar home with luxury cars to living on an oversized cot at my local women’s shelter.

While our marriage was horrible, our divorce has been a nightmare that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Narcissists do not have the ability to love, show compassion or empathy. The custody battle was not about our daughters — it was about winning and, ultimately, his driving force was to hurt me and maintain control.

I lived in terror and slept with a hammer and mace for over two years. I watched in disbelief as he sat in court and made up elaborate stories while appearing to believe them. Narcissists have the uncanny ability to believe their delusions and our Family Court System is simply not equipped to deal with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Most levels of narcissism are healthy — when it crosses over to a level of dysfunction, then it is classified as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which some reports state affects 5% of the population. That means in a regular social setting of 100 people on a Friday night, there are at least five that you will need to avoid like the plague.

Narcissists come in all shapes, sizes, and genders. Sadly, narcissists don’t have warning labels printed across their foreheads. That means you need to be aware of the red flags.

What are the red flags of a narcissist? Common sense tells us to avoid the slimy guy at the end of the bar. Narcissists are different. They are charming, charismatic, and often the life of the party. As women, many of us are drawn to narcissists.

Hindsight is 20-20, and I often do something called a “red flag reflection.” I like to do a self-inventory, which involves looking in the rearview mirror to see the warning signs that I personally chose to ignore. Being aware of the signs of a narcissist will save you from years of heartache.

Here are some of the key things to watch for:

  • Excessive charm: Question a person that seems too good to be true. Narcissists are masters at wooing their female targets. If you are receiving tickets to your favorite ballet and bouquets of flowers larger than your Christmas tree before the third date, you may be dating a narcissist. Offers to whisk you away to Paris for New Year’s Eve are fabulous but could be considered odd behavior if you just met last week!
  • Overly confident: A healthy dose of self-esteem is a good thing but be cautious if he seems to be the president of his own fan club. In short order, you will likely to become the secretary of his fan club.
  • Haughty: This was one of the main warning signs that I brushed under the rug. Watch for elitist comments and an attitude of arrogance toward those who are “beneath” him. Narcissists will often put down co-workers, friends and even family members.
  • Bragging: Narcissists do not care about your feelings, views or opinions. Narcissists are generally too obsessed about telling you how great they are to even ask about you. Their bragging rights carry over to a wide variety of topics including their family, money, cars, physical appearance, elite gym memberships, clothing, and their career.
  • Grandiosity: Narcissists seem to live the phrase, “Go big or go home.” They like to be seen and known. Grandiosity is often their middle name. A narcissist will pick up an enormous group dinner tab or buy everyone in the bar a round of shots. Their motivation is to be showy and attract attention. These gestures could be interpreted as kindness, which is the furthest thing from the truth. While a narcissist is signing the tab for dinner, he is simultaneously scanning the group to take inventory on how he can personally use each person whether it is to maintain his inflated self-image or for elevation in prestige or status.
  • Success: There is a reason why the political and celebrity arenas are brimming over with narcissists. Narcissists are often found in leadership roles where they have free reign to dominate and dazzle those around them. They flourish in big cities where there is less accountability and less risk of developing a reputation that will follow them.
  • The Band-aid: Narcissists are professional Band-aids. They will seek out your weaknesses (abandonment issues, self-image issues, etc.) and will morph themselves into your savior. Whatever voids you have, they will fill. This sounds great except for the fact that it is short-lived. Once you are hooked on them, they will rip off the Band-aid and leave you bleeding.
  • Hypersensitivity: Fluctuations between extreme confidence and extreme insecurity seem to be a common trait with narcissists. They will often imagine non-existent criticism and will act out by shutting down and sulking, or acting out in a rage. Any perceived attack or criticism of the narcissist is not dealt with in a healthy, normal way.  In his mind, you are either with him or against him and there is no gray area.

Now what?

What does one do when encountering a narcissist for the first time?  The simple answer: grab your running shoes and start your first 5k right there in the middle of the cocktail party! There is no bouquet of flowers, expensive dinner, or trip to Paris that is worth the havoc a narcissist will wreak in your life. Do not engage with a narcissist.

If you can’t find a pair of running shoes, at least excuse yourself to the ladies room and then avoid him for the rest of the night at all costs. This may be the perfect opportunity to start flirting with the nice guy who is standing alone by the hors d’oeuvre table! The bottom line: get away quickly.

The Narcissistic Boyfriend

If you have had an “ah ha moment” and discover that your current boyfriend or partner is a narcissist, what do you do next? First, take a deep breath. This isn’t an easy road. You are not dealing with a mentally healthy person and, therefore, you cannot expect this to be a normal break-up. Breaking up with a narcissist is playing by a whole new set of rules. Once you have called off the relationship, you must follow the most important rule: NO ENGAGEMENT.

While difficult for many to follow, the “no engagement rule” is fairly straightforward. Do not call him and do not answer his calls, emails, texts, or faxes. Faxes? Yes, there are no limits to the great lengths a scorned narcissist will go to for his next fix. Think of him as a junkie and you are his drug.

Narcissists need emotions from you because they are not capable of their own emotions — they need your emotions to feed their ego. It could be good emotions or bad emotions — they do not care. This is called “Narcissistic Supply” and I like to think of them in a cage at the zoo with a sign that says, “Do not feed the narcissist”.

If you are planning to leave a narcissist, I encourage you to educate yourself thoroughly on the topic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Education is more than just power in this case. It will be your lifeline. There are a multitude of online support groups, hundreds of online articles and some great books on the topic. Read everything you can get your hands on. Leaving a narcissist is one of the hardest things you will ever do but it is imperative to your mental health.