HONESTY AND LOYALTY

Something has been troubling me lately. 

The boundaries and understanding between loyalty and honesty seem to have undergone some modern day surgery. Loyalty now seems to be understood as a concept of receiving reward (just like those precious air miles we receive when being "loyal" to a certain establishment) for upholding deception. There are many who pull out their "loyalty cards" in relationships as a scapegoat for openness and honesty.

Loyalty Card #1

I Was Just Doing It for You

I see this only as a primary justification for committing "little white lies" or withholding important information in personal relationships. This rationalization pits the values of honesty against the value of loyalty. Each individual deserves the truth as everyone has a moral right to make decisions about his own life based on accurate information. This "card" is a cop out.

This little "card" overestimates other people’s desire to be "protected" from the truth, when in fact most people would rather know unpleasant information than believe soothing falsehoods. When the lie is found out; feelings of betrayal follow and often a breakdown in relationship.

Loyalty Card #2

The False Necessity Trap

As Nietzsche put it, "Necessity is an interpretation, not a fact." We overestimate the cost of doing the right thing and underestimate the cost of failing to do so. It was necessary......really?

"Character is knowing the good, loving the good and doing the good."

— Thomas Lickona

"Character is what you are in the dark."

— Rev. Dwight Moody

Honesty

There seems to be no more fundamental ethical value than honesty. We associate honesty with people of honor; we admire and rely on those who are honest. But honesty is a broader concept than many may realize. It involves both communications and conduct; not conveying facts in a way likely to mislead or deceive.

There are three dimensions to honesty: 

1.Truthfulness - Truthfulness is presenting the facts to the best of our knowledge. 

2. Sincerity - Sincerity is genuineness, being without trickery or duplicity. It precludes all acts, including half-truths, out-of-context statements; even silence, that are intended to create beliefs or leave impressions that are untrue or misleading.

3. Candor - In relationships involving legitimate expectations of trust and honesty candour may also require forthrightness and frankness, imposing the obligation to volunteer information that another person needs to know.

Honesty in conduct is playing by the rules, without stealing, cheating, fraud, subterfuge and other trickery. 

Cheating is a particularly foul form of dishonesty because one not only seeks to deceive but to take advantage of others. It’s a violation of both trust and fairness.

Loyalty

Some relationships — husband-wife, parent-child, employer-employee, citizen-country — create an expectation of allegiance, fidelity and devotion. Loyalty is a responsibility to promote the interests of certain people, organizations or affiliations. This duty goes beyond the normal obligation we all share to care for others.

BUT there are limitations to loyalty. Loyalty is a tricky thing. 

Friends, family, employers, co-workers and others may demand that we rank their interests above ethical considerations. But no one has the right to ask another to sacrifice ethical principles in the name of a special relationship. 

Indeed, one forfeits a claim of loyalty when he or she asks so high a price for maintaining the relationship.

When keeping a secret breaks the law or threatens others, however, we may have a responsibility to "blow the whistle."

www.josephsoninstitute.org

I found a voice in the wilderness crying out the issues that have so bothered me these last months. In many instances, we are left without honest intercourse and question our own understanding of these concepts.

FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness as seen as a healing gift to oneself, and as radical acceptance of the human condition.

An Acknowledgement of Brokenness.

Recent years have seen a developing psychotherapeutic interest in the power of forgiveness as a means to healing. The psychologist Robert Enright has devised a therapeutic technique that focuses on leading people through a process of forgiveness.

He finds that people who feel incapable of or unwilling to forgive past hurts experience greater levels of anxiety and depression. They are also at a higher risk of cardiovascular disease and cancer.

The process of forgiveness is a complex and subtle business.

Imagine you have suffered an injustice. 

It is something that violates your rights and dignity

The Result: 

You feel angry and resentful toward the offender. 

Anger, resentment and hatred are painful emotions. We are told to immediately forgive but it may not be a good thing to forgive too soon:

1. There is perhaps much to be said for anger as an appropriate initial response to violations of one’s own, or another’s rights and dignity.

2. The victim of the injustice has had their rights violated. They deserve to have been treated better.

3. Anger honours the serious moral infraction that has taken place, but is a painful emotion and blocks the opportunity to have more pleasant experiences.

•          In our culture, we are encouraged to learn that we must avoid our painful feelings.

•          Trying to forgive prematurely as an attempt to avoid the pain of anger is unfruitful. The feeling of anger as an initial response to injustice can be evaluated as perfectly appropriate and healthy.

•          Forgiving others enables people to forgive themselves more easily, leading to a life less snarled up by negative and self-attacking thoughts and futile struggle with a past that cannot be changed.

•          Self-forgiveness, as well as forgiveness of others, promotes higher self-esteem, physical health, vitality and a happier life.

 

© Gary Powell, 2008.

Modified for those who are Christ followers by Margie Ford

 

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE FALLOUT FROM A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP

"I have just escaped the clutches of a narcissist, I am broken-hearted, lonely and have no idea where to begin in building back the person I was once was. My hopes, my dreams are shattered. What now?"- Dierdre {broken-hearted}

Dear Myrtle {recovery and establishment of God’s promises}

While many experts focus on the narcissist, I prefer to focus on you and the lessons you need to learn so that you can let go, move on and hopefully never repeat the experience. Before you can move on, the most important thing to understand about narcissists is that underneath their apparent self-confidence is a profound lack of self-esteem.

Narcissists do not think well of themselves, and to make themselves feel better, they choose partners who doubt themselves and their capabilities.

If you had strong self-esteem and confidence in yourself, you would not be chosen by a narcissist as a possible partner. This is because narcissists like to control and feel superior. People with healthy self-confidence who make the mistake of entering a relationship with a narcissist quickly become aware of the emotional abuse and cut the relationship short. They recognize that there is something out of balance and that it’s easier to move on. Most importantly, they refuse to take the blame. Instead, knowing they are unhappy, they focus on themselves and deal confidently and quickly with a relationship that has no value.

Stop Judging Yourself

When you doubt yourself and lack confidence, you become the perfect target for a narcissist. Narcissists are appealing at first. 

They give the impression of strength and confidence. Their goal is to charm you and make you think it is all about you. If you weren’t blinded by the attention and weren’t questioning your own self-worth, you would realize a lot sooner that your date is interested in you only because you appear weak and less worthy. Of course, if you had known this in advance, you would not have entered the relationship.

To avoid entering another relationship based on your self-doubt, ask yourself: How can I take care of myself better? How can I avoid sending out signals that I need help or a savior, or lots of attention? Nip it in the bud by believing in God’s love and who you are in Him. 

{Some narcissistic traits, when used appropriately with personal boundaries, make for exceptional people. Ambition, motivation, even arrogance and desire for power, are good attributes when balanced with humility and not used at the expense of others. Wanting to feel powerful is a positive desire. Needing to feel powerful by putting others down is unhealthy.}

The First Clue

Was there a time at the beginning of the relationship when you asked yourself, “How is it possible that such a great person is choosing me?” That was a good clue. Your lack of confidence was the reason you attracted a narcissist.

If you are overcoming dating a narcissist, remember this:  You are a solid, genuine person and probably more successful than you allow yourself to believe. Narcissists are picky. They don’t date just anyone. They look for successful, accomplished people who are kind enough to let the narcissist’s self-created superiority overshadow them. If you have allowed a narcissist to prey on your lack of self-confidence, stop! No more downplaying who you truly are. It’s time to rise to the top. The lesson here is that you are much better than you think you are. Embrace the truth and move on!

The Mirror Theory

If you have attracted a narcissist into your life, you may want to ask yourself how you are acting? How are you neglecting yourself? How are you putting yourself down? In your own nice way, do you feel that you are better than others? Do you subconsciously put others down when you are feeling insecure about yourself? Not all the narcissistic traits may be mirrored in you.  

Good questions to ask yourself :“What traits are the biggest problem for me, and how do I do that to myself?”

This idea is a lot to absorb. It is what you need to shift from being a victim to owning your own journey. People who have dated a narcissist and have the guts to move on are bruised emotionally. They often collapse into being a victim. 

They are hurt, they feel even less confident of themselves and that can lead to blaming themselves for staying in the relationship too long. They can become abusive toward themselves and actually perpetuate in themselves the narcissistic tendencies they had the courage to leave.

Moving on After a relationship with a Narcissist

Be a victim no more! The relationship has ended. Embrace that truth. You want to move forward, with no more abuse. 

Rise to the top – your top — by consciously shifting from putting yourself down to showing deep empathy for yourself. Love yourself and love other. Rebuild your self-confidence by taking an objective inventory of who you are. No cheating! No counting yourself short!

Promise yourself that from now on, you will be your own leader. You will believe in yourself and your achievements and will shower yourself with empathy. Yes, empathy, the quality totally missing from a narcissist, may just be the perfect antidote to dating one.

Written by Monica Magnetti from Luna Coaching

Be kind to yourself and heal well! There is life after "the Narcissist"!

DATING A NARCISSIST? - 8 RED FLAGS

Tina Swithin has researched and lived through ' Life with a Narcissist' her story is one all should read! 

8 Red Flags That You May Be Dating A Narcissist (Like The One I Married)

AUG. 14, 2013 

By TINA SWITHIN

By the time I understood this personality disorder, we had two daughters, were almost 2 million dollars in debt and I had lost every ounce of respect that I once had for this man.

I happen to be somewhat of an expert when it comes to narcissists. At the age of 26, I was swept off my feet by a modern day Prince Charming. We met at a lake and within weeks he began to shower me with gifts, flowers, poems, expensive vacations, shopping sprees and affection. I was naïve and from a small town, and I was sold on everything that was presented to me.

Things moved quickly and while I saw red flags, I chose to ignore them. There were several times than I caught him lying, but I believed his excuses. I trusted him when he said that he could afford what he was buying.

A year later we were married, and I discovered that there was something seriously wrong with my fairytale. Our marriage was filled with lies, deception, fraud and tears.

I heard the term Narcissistic Personality Disorder from my therapist in 2008 when she implied that my husband was a narcissist. Once I began researching the disorder, the past 10 years of my life made complete sense. By the time I understood this personality disorder, we had two daughters and were almost 2 million dollars in debt — and I had lost every ounce of respect that I once had for this man. In one year, I went from a million-dollar home with luxury cars to living on an oversized cot at my local women’s shelter.

While our marriage was horrible, our divorce has been a nightmare that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Narcissists do not have the ability to love, show compassion or empathy. The custody battle was not about our daughters — it was about winning and, ultimately, his driving force was to hurt me and maintain control.

I lived in terror and slept with a hammer and mace for over two years. I watched in disbelief as he sat in court and made up elaborate stories while appearing to believe them. Narcissists have the uncanny ability to believe their delusions and our Family Court System is simply not equipped to deal with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Most levels of narcissism are healthy — when it crosses over to a level of dysfunction, then it is classified as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which some reports state affects 5% of the population. That means in a regular social setting of 100 people on a Friday night, there are at least five that you will need to avoid like the plague.

Narcissists come in all shapes, sizes, and genders. Sadly, narcissists don’t have warning labels printed across their foreheads. That means you need to be aware of the red flags.

What are the red flags of a narcissist? Common sense tells us to avoid the slimy guy at the end of the bar. Narcissists are different. They are charming, charismatic, and often the life of the party. As women, many of us are drawn to narcissists.

Hindsight is 20-20, and I often do something called a “red flag reflection.” I like to do a self-inventory, which involves looking in the rearview mirror to see the warning signs that I personally chose to ignore. Being aware of the signs of a narcissist will save you from years of heartache.

Here are some of the key things to watch for:

• Excessive charm: Question a person that seems too good to be true. Narcissists are masters at wooing their female targets. If you are receiving tickets to your favorite ballet and bouquets of flowers larger than your Christmas tree before the third date, you may be dating a narcissist. Offers to whisk you away to Paris for New Year’s Eve are fabulous but could be considered odd behavior if you just met last week!
• Overly confident: A healthy dose of self-esteem is a good thing but be cautious if he seems to be the president of his own fan club. In short order, you will likely to become the secretary of his fan club.
• Haughty: This was one of the main warning signs that I brushed under the rug. Watch for elitist comments and an attitude of arrogance toward those who are “beneath” him. Narcissists will often put down co-workers, friends and even family members.
• Bragging: Narcissists do not care about your feelings, views or opinions. Narcissists are generally too obsessed about telling you how great they are to even ask about you. Their bragging rights carry over to a wide variety of topics including their family, money, cars, physical appearance, elite gym memberships, clothing, and their career.
• Grandiosity: Narcissists seem to live the phrase, “Go big or go home.” They like to be seen and known. Grandiosity is often their middle name. A narcissist will pick up an enormous group dinner tab or buy everyone in the bar a round of shots. Their motivation is to be showy and attract attention. These gestures could be interpreted as kindness, which is the furthest thing from the truth. While a narcissist is signing the tab for dinner, he is simultaneously scanning the group to take inventory on how he can personally use each person whether it is to maintain his inflated self-image or for elevation in prestige or status.
• Success: There is a reason why the political and celebrity arenas are brimming over with narcissists. Narcissists are often found in leadership roles where they have free reign to dominate and dazzle those around them. They flourish in big cities where there is less accountability and less risk of developing a reputation that will follow them.
• The Band-aid: Narcissists are professional Band-aids. They will seek out your weaknesses (abandonment issues, self-image issues, etc.) and will morph themselves into your savior. Whatever voids you have, they will fill. This sounds great except for the fact that it is short-lived. Once you are hooked on them, they will rip off the Band-aid and leave you bleeding.
• Hypersensitivity: Fluctuations between extreme confidence and extreme insecurity seem to be a common trait with narcissists. They will often imagine non-existent criticism and will act out by shutting down and sulking, or acting out in a rage. Any perceived attack or criticism of the narcissist is not dealt with in a healthy, normal way.  In his mind, you are either with him or against him and there is no gray area.

Now what?

What does one do when encountering a narcissist for the first time?  The simple answer: grab your running shoes and start your first 5k right there in the middle of the cocktail party! There is no bouquet of flowers, expensive dinner, or trip to Paris that is worth the havoc a narcissist will wreak in your life. Do not engage with a narcissist.

If you can’t find a pair of running shoes, at least excuse yourself to the ladies room and then avoid him for the rest of the night at all costs. This may be the perfect opportunity to start flirting with the nice guy who is standing alone by the hors d’oeuvre table! The bottom line: get away quickly.

The Narcissistic Boyfriend

If you have had an “ah ha moment” and discover that your current boyfriend or partner is a narcissist, what do you do next? First, take a deep breath. This isn’t an easy road. You are not dealing with a mentally healthy person and, therefore, you cannot expect this to be a normal break-up. Breaking up with a narcissist is playing by a whole new set of rules. Once you have called off the relationship, you must follow the most important rule: NO ENGAGEMENT.

While difficult for many to follow, the “no engagement rule” is fairly straightforward. Do not call him and do not answer his calls, emails, texts, or faxes. Faxes? Yes, there are no limits to the great lengths a scorned narcissist will go to for his next fix. Think of him as a junkie and you are his drug.

Narcissists need emotions from you because they are not capable of their own emotions — they need your emotions to feed their ego. It could be good emotions or bad emotions — they do not care. This is called “Narcissistic Supply” and I like to think of them in a cage at the zoo with a sign that says, “Do not feed the narcissist”.

If you are planning to leave a narcissist, I encourage you to educate yourself thoroughly on the topic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Education is more than just power in this case. It will be your lifeline. There are a multitude of online support groups, hundreds of online articles and some great books on the topic. Read everything you can get your hands on. Leaving a narcissist is one of the hardest things you will ever do but it is imperative to your mental health.

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PUPPET ON A STRING

Are You in a Manipulative Relationship?

  Answer the following questions with a True or False.

_____ I sometimes feel confused about what my partner really wants.

_____ I feel that my partner frequently takes advantage of my giving nature.

_____ Even when I do something that pleases my partner, the positive feelings never last long.

_____ With my partner I feel that it's hard just to be myself or do what I really want.

_____ Around my partner, I feel taken for granted.

_____ I seem to work harder on this relationship than my partner does.

_____ My partner has a very strong impact on what I think and feel.

_____ I sometimes feel that I am trapped in my relationship and there is no way out.

_____ I don't feel as good about myself in my relationship as I once did.

_____ I feel that I need my partner more than my partner needs me.

_____ No matter how much I have done, I feel that it's not good enough for my partner.

_____ I feel that my partner does not understand who I really am.

     There are twelve questions in this quiz. If you answered more than half of them with True, you might want to consider exploring whether you are in a manipulative relationship.

HOW DID YOU GET TO THIS POINT?

     You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of other people. This goes beyond being nice to other people. Your sense of worth is tied up in doing things for other people. In fact, you take this so far that you please other people at the expense of your own well-being. For example, you might buy something especially nice for your partner or a friend when you would never spend that kind of money on yourself. Manipulators are drawn to this type of person and have no qualms about taking advantage of this particular personality trait.

     You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people.Although most people appreciate being accepted, a problem occurs when you feel that you must be accepted by everyone at all times. The core problem here is the fear of being rejected or abandoned - and it is so strong that you would do anything to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. The manipulator works by giving you the acceptance that you need - and then threatening to withdraw it.

     You fear expressing negative emotions. Although expressing anger and engaging in a conflict are never pleasant, some people will go to any length to avoid a confrontation. They want things to be pleasant at all times. They fear that they will fall apart in the face of negative emotions. Manipulators have an easy task in this kind of relationship - all they have to do is to threaten to raise their voice, and then they get their way.

     You are unable to say no. One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is appropriate boundaries that clarify who you are and what you stand for. In order to maintain healthy boundaries, however, you must sometimes say no when someone attempts to push your limits. If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator. Learning effective assertiveness techniques is a way to regain your sense of control in a manipulative relationship.

     You lack a firm sense of your own self. A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favor. Without a clear definition of your self, you may be an easy target for a manipulator.

WHAT TO DO NOW?

     Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It is not helpful to try to outmanipulate a skillful manipulator - you are simply making yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. You will not change a manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work toward their achieving insight. You may think that it would be helpful to share with the manipulator how you feel and how his or her behavior has an impact on you - but this is generally not helpful since most manipulators are not capable of empathy and may use this information against you in the future. The only effective method of changing manipulative behavior is to disable it by making a change within yourself, thereby changing the dynamics of the manipulative relationship. If you cease to cooperate with the manipulative tactics, you will alter the nature of the relationship. If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in the relationship, they usually give up - often by leaving the relationship and finding someone else to control.

An excellent article by Life Esteem (Simmonds Publications)