PUPPET ON A STRING

Are You in a Manipulative Relationship?

  Answer the following questions with a True or False.

_____ I sometimes feel confused about what my partner really wants.

_____ I feel that my partner frequently takes advantage of my giving nature.

_____ Even when I do something that pleases my partner, the positive feelings never last long.

_____ With my partner I feel that it's hard just to be myself or do what I really want.

_____ Around my partner, I feel taken for granted.

_____ I seem to work harder on this relationship than my partner does.

_____ My partner has a very strong impact on what I think and feel.

_____ I sometimes feel that I am trapped in my relationship and there is no way out.

_____ I don't feel as good about myself in my relationship as I once did.

_____ I feel that I need my partner more than my partner needs me.

_____ No matter how much I have done, I feel that it's not good enough for my partner.

_____ I feel that my partner does not understand who I really am.

     There are twelve questions in this quiz. If you answered more than half of them with True, you might want to consider exploring whether you are in a manipulative relationship.

HOW DID YOU GET TO THIS POINT?

     You feel useful and loved only when you can take care of the needs of other people. This goes beyond being nice to other people. Your sense of worth is tied up in doing things for other people. In fact, you take this so far that you please other people at the expense of your own well-being. For example, you might buy something especially nice for your partner or a friend when you would never spend that kind of money on yourself. Manipulators are drawn to this type of person and have no qualms about taking advantage of this particular personality trait.

     You need to have the approval and acceptance of other people.Although most people appreciate being accepted, a problem occurs when you feel that you must be accepted by everyone at all times. The core problem here is the fear of being rejected or abandoned - and it is so strong that you would do anything to avoid the feelings associated with this fear. The manipulator works by giving you the acceptance that you need - and then threatening to withdraw it.

     You fear expressing negative emotions. Although expressing anger and engaging in a conflict are never pleasant, some people will go to any length to avoid a confrontation. They want things to be pleasant at all times. They fear that they will fall apart in the face of negative emotions. Manipulators have an easy task in this kind of relationship - all they have to do is to threaten to raise their voice, and then they get their way.

     You are unable to say no. One of the characteristics of a healthy relationship is appropriate boundaries that clarify who you are and what you stand for. In order to maintain healthy boundaries, however, you must sometimes say no when someone attempts to push your limits. If you are afraid of the conflict that may arise when you say no, you play into the hands of the manipulator. Learning effective assertiveness techniques is a way to regain your sense of control in a manipulative relationship.

     You lack a firm sense of your own self. A clear sense of self means that you know what your values are, who you are, what you stand for, and where you begin and the other person ends. If you have an unclear sense of self, it is difficult to trust your own judgment or to make decisions that work in your favor. Without a clear definition of your self, you may be an easy target for a manipulator.

WHAT TO DO NOW?

     Focus on changing yourself, not the manipulator. It is not helpful to try to outmanipulate a skillful manipulator - you are simply making yourself vulnerable to further manipulation. You will not change a manipulator by focusing on his or her imperfections and trying to work toward their achieving insight. You may think that it would be helpful to share with the manipulator how you feel and how his or her behavior has an impact on you - but this is generally not helpful since most manipulators are not capable of empathy and may use this information against you in the future. The only effective method of changing manipulative behavior is to disable it by making a change within yourself, thereby changing the dynamics of the manipulative relationship. If you cease to cooperate with the manipulative tactics, you will alter the nature of the relationship. If manipulators have to work hard to maintain control in the relationship, they usually give up - often by leaving the relationship and finding someone else to control.

An excellent article by Life Esteem (Simmonds Publications)

MEMO TO SELF

Struggles, issues, moaning, complaining and groaning!

We all have seasons when it seems our world is filled with negativity....we just feel swamped and often can't see any light. We look for some relief or outlet. 

We can pick ourselves up and go and find a party, we can work until we drop, we can drink until we can't remember anything etc. etc. but there is still only emptiness when the music stops.

Here are some healthy reminders in order to face up and overcome:

1. Struggle builds character. Often the moments in our life we are most proud of are the ones where we overcame adversity to accomplish something worthwhile.

2.  No one does it alone, so don’t try and be the first person in the world to do so. Find friends or family to work together with to deal with each issue.

3. Unfortunately our brain has a natural inclination to focus on threats and dangers, even the perceived ones we create. Remember, renew your mind by taking those negative thoughts captive and replacing them with healthy and positive solutions.

4. The neuroscientist Dr. Matthew Lieberman has shown that the simple act of labeling our emotions reduces activity in the emotional brain and increases activity in the areas of the brain associated with focus and awareness.

5. Every time you find yourself stuck or facing a life challenge, write down your thoughts in a journal. This allows you to get out of your head and separate yourself from the impact of the experience. It brings the conscious brain into play while reducing the effects of the unconscious, emotional brain.

6. For 10 minutes a day, sit in silence without distractions and just be with your thoughts. This will improve your ability to focus on finding solutions to challenges and creating the life you want to live — as opposed to being at the mercy of circumstances. People of faith will use such a time to pray and ask God for His help.

7. Ask yourself good questions like, “What is good about this situation?” “How can I make this work?” The questions you ask yourself shape your experience of life.

COUNSELLING = DIVORCE by Lucy K. Wright

This was my story too! Can so relate......... “Counseling Equals Divorce” by Lucy K. Wright We were approaching our 12-year anniversary, had two beautiful children and were living completely parallel lives.  He was never home.  I tended to the kids, and the home, the finances, and making sure everything was as it should be so he, and we, had a comfortable life. I got in trouble when he took the kids for an hour or so on the weekends because I “was not participating” in family time; yet, it was the only one or two hours of time a week I ever had to myself.  I resented the weekends when he was home.  I worked hard all week being a mom, and rather than look forward to the weekends with him being there to help and us work together as a couple and a team, I instead gained a third child who needed to rest, be served meals, watch golf and relax from “his busy week at work.”  He worked hard too, I knew that, but so did I.  My “work” just didn’t count. The light bulb in my life was slowly starting to illuminate at that time.  I had no relationship with my husband and after being at home with my kids for so many years I had no idea who I was any more as a person.  I was a great mom.  I loved being a mom.  But what else was there about me?  What defined me besides being a mom and homemaker?  At that time, there was not much else. I had been to three secret counseling sessions throughout the years, each with a different random counselor I found in the Yellow Pages, and each when I was at a point of desperation needing to talk with someone.  I knew before scheduling each of these sessions that I had hit my threshold with the N-Ex, and was on the verge of self-imploding.  We didn’t talk much at all and I was at a loss for where to turn.  The one-time sessions seemed to help. I didn’t ever tell the N-Ex I went to these counseling sessions.  I knew he would be very angry and grill me with questions about why I went. All I remember from each session was me, sitting on three different sofas in three different offices, and crying.  I cried each entire hour I was telling my story.  The sessions were always over way too quickly.  I walked out of each time feeling like I had said what I needed to say to get things off of my mind enough to proceed on with my same controlled life the very next day. It took something as simple as a phone call from an old friend who was contacting me about planning our high school reunion to make me realize something very substantial in my life at that point:  I never laughed anymore.  And I never smiled. I was a very outgoing and social person my whole life; what had so drastically changed that I was no longer that person?  My marriage.  My life with him of being ignored, not included, expected to do whatever he wanted me to do, and never speaking up about what I wanted in order to avoid the consequences of, well, him. Do I take some ownership in this transformation of me?  You bet.  But when you get to the point that you so cautiously preface almost every sentence to your husband with a “Please don’t say No yet, but I was thinking about doing X…” because you have already spent so many years being told No every time you opened your mouth, you naturally start to transform.  Sadly, it's easy to morph into the meek, agreeable, non-confrontational, non-opinionated, shell of a person that a narcissist can so easily turn you in to. It was early spring, and although that light bulb of realization was starting to slightly illuminate, I had no idea of the land-mine I was about to step into when I scheduled my first “real” counseling appointment and told the Ex-N about it. His reaction? “Well, counseling equals divorce, so we already know where this brilliant idea of yours is headed…” In the weeks ahead I filed for divorce. Twice.  I stepped into a land-mine along side a raging narcissist that was bigger than I would ever have known.  But in doing so, I took the very first step in finding “me” again too.  It’s been a very long and challenging six-year road, still going strong.  It’s been worth every evolving step along the way.

QUEST OF GRACE

I

Taking a break to study at the mo, enjoy others' wisdom in the meantime :):):)

XxxxxMargs

GRACE

Here's a poem Paul Tripp wrote.  Below the poem are some images that you can share on your various social media channels.

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I wish I could commend
my righteousness to you,
but I can't.
I wish I could brag of
my strength to you,
but I can't.
I wish I could boast about my wisdom to you,
but I can't.
I wish I could point you to my track record,
but I can't.
I wish I could tell you that I have no regrets,
but I can't.
You know me better than
I know myself .
I never escape
your eye.
You search the deepest
regions of my heart.
You know my thoughts before
they are conscious to me.
You know my words before
I hear myself speak them.
You examine my desires before
they move me to action.
So without pretense or
inadequate excuse,
Stripped of pride and
Self-defense,
I bow before you,
devoid of demand or argument
and I make one plea
because I have come to accept
what you know me to be
I cry for one thing,

GRACE.

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ABANDONED AND DISCARDED

A very worthwhile read! Narcissists Abandon Their Families and Re-Invent Themselves by Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD Narcissistic men and women cannot sustain authentic relationships in marriages or as parents. They act out, having multiple affairs, mistresses, girlfriends, boyfriends, secretly on the side. They have no shame about their reprehensible, destructive behaviors. If they have power in the world and are venerated publicly as high level executives, part of the entertainment and social elite, they get away with it. These days, living in a narcissistic society, most people shrug about these matters. If someone is "very important" it doesn't matter what they do in their personal lives and some believe that they are above reproach because of their extraordinary success. The narcissistic man or woman has a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. There is no motivation to become different since the narcissist believes that he is perfect and every one else falls short. If the narcissist has a loyal professional and social following, a source of constant narcissistic supply, excuses will always be made for him/her despite the abominable behavior toward spouse and children. After causing horrific trauma to a wife or husband and children who have been abandoned, he moves on to re-invent himself and re-burnish his image. For the narcissist, there are no genuine relationships. One person is replaceable with another---one wife with another, one child or two children with others. Some narcissists go on to produce children with two three or even four other partners. It doesn't matter as long as he is getting the adulation, praise, adoration that he needs and maintaining the power and money that he holds on to and that defines him/her as a person. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so you don't get caught up in a partnership or marriage to one of these individuals. I hear many stories of those who have had children with narcissists and have gone through painful ongoing experiences, worked through divorces that were very stressful and complex. I give those who have weathered these storms great credit for their forbearance.   Remember to take good care of yourself. You are authentic. Seek those who are like you---authentic and compassionate. Linda Martinez-Lewi, PhD | March 28, 2014 at 5:30 pm | URL: http://wp.me/p2XSAd-1n6 Comment    See all comments

‘DRAMATIC-ERRATIC’ PERSONALITY 2

Narcissists Psychologically Feed Off You!

Narcissists are parasitic. It seems almost unbelievable, doesn't it? Narcissists try taking what is most precious to us away from us with their cruelty, chronic deception, hidden agenda, humiliation and threats. They ambush us. 

The narcissist steals our creative ideas and spins them as their own. 

How many times have you stood and watched them take your glory! They gain power over you psychologically by hitting you below the belt on the issues where you are the most vulnerable. Although the narcissist has no true insight, they are exceedingly deceitful and knows just how to make you feel hopeless and helpless. 

Narcissists are bottom feeders. 

For those that have never dealt with a narcissist this seems really over-the-top but this has been the experience of many. 

They play dirty and catch you by surprise, using the shock factor. They initiate contact that appears to be friendly and innocuous. But they make sure that they communicate that they are superior to you and that you are a failure and there is something intrinsically wrong with you. 

When you catch on to their game, you may confront them, only to be told, they NEVER meant for you to feel this way, YOU must be mistaken!  

They spread lies about to your family and your friends, indicating your defective character; this lie will hurt you the most. 

This is despicable behaviour but narcissists are extremely convincing to others who remain ignorant of their true natures. 

The hurt is real: " Surely others can see through them?”

Study and learn to identify the narcissistic personality. It is worth doing the research on this character disorder. Our society seems set to produce a crop of such personalities. 

Once you have made the identification, spend as little time with them as possible. If you have to interact, make it brief and do not engage them in a personal manner.

There is a need to set and keep boundaries with these individuals. You can never please them; that is a fruitless effort. Remember, the narcissist is constantly projecting his unconscious rage on to others and deep down they feel psychologically empty and worthless.

Get in touch with your creative gifts and learn to appreciate yourself as a unique individual who is capable of empathy, compassion, emotional intimacy and authenticity.

Thank you, Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., for parts of this amazing post. 

I have only changed certain aspects to accommodate our South African understanding and culture. 

The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.

~ Proverbs 22:3

SHAME: MOVING OUT OF THE FOG

In journeying through this wilderness

what words will silence my enemy?

and bring peace

what words?

In returning and rest will be my salvation

In quietness and trust my strength (Isaiah 30:15)

Shame is not always what we have done but is also what has been done to us. Shame is that deep sense that we are unacceptable and disgraced. 

We hide behind frivolity, busyness and intellectual pursuit yet it lingers........... 

We are not talking about guilt but shame alone. That deep sense of secrecy that brings rage. 

Only in embracing truth and putting our shame into words will we find a way out. What lie have we believed to keep us in hiding; to make us drop our heads and lower our gaze?

This is the lesson I have learnt.

"I may not see this offense made right in my eyes, in my days but I entrust myself to God, fighting through my doubts and hesitations."

It's time to move out of the fog.

 XXxxxxx Margs